Creating my Life Handbook

i am in the initial phases of creating my life handbook.

i’ve been reading the The Personal Excellence Blog for months now but it’s only very recently that i felt the need to create a life handbook.

why?

i just feel afloat and strewn everywhere.

i work. i eat. i play. i pray.

i have to-do-lists.

i do a lot of things. 

i have a lot of dreams (which mostly get strewn away from my memory).

i want to change my life but feel stagnated everyday.

i want to blog but can’t find the time and energ.

i do things that are sometimes violating my free-will.

i keep myself busy but i can’t seem to feel accomplished at the end of the day.

i neglect the more important facets of life like relationships, friendships and family.

i feel into the situation but not into ME. (this one is a sad and scary thought…)

and i feel that i have so much potential but i can’t seem to expand the way i should be.

so many reasons. so many restrictions. it felt like being afloat and tugged by the current.

and to think i have my life in control.

these are just simple realizations about life. i didn’t know that there’s so much and so many things i neglect just because i didn’t have a lighthouse to guide my ship. of course, i have God and my relationship with God. but it doesn’t make me any more grounded than i should have if i had a lampost to guide my path. i realized that my God can only do so much for me, but i have to pilot my ship on my own.

life and time is passing me by. 

tomorrow is a new day. so i have to do it and act on it.

and honestly, I AM EXCITED. 

My 2010 Highlights

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

we bid 2010 goodbye and hailed 2011…

yet we always hear ourselves say in astonishment, ‘has it been a year already?’ as if the turnover of each year is a suprise and not an inimitable fact of life. so far as the earth is rotating around the sun 365 days to complete a cycle, we will always have to say goodbye to the old and welcome the new year.

the challenge of the infantile year is rumination and introspect. i love to look back at how life had been for me. i love milestones and poignant moments. i love scrutinizing myself about lessons learned, dreams achieved and all else i was able to accomplish as well as those that i failed to do. these moments keep me alive.

and i love posting them on my blog. so allow me to single out these precious moments and share them with you.

MY 2010

February 6, 2010 was probably the most poignant day of this year. i gave birth to my 4th child (3rd boy) on that fateful Saturday morning at St. Clare’s Hospital in Makati. i was assisted by my OB/Gyne, Dr. Aby R. welcoming NOE KAHLIL in the family  was one of the most joyful moments in the entire family.

on Valentine’s Day, 1 week + 1 day after i gave birth, i was rushed to the hospital due to severe bleeding. in this post i detailed the event of “my RED Valentine” and how i celebrated it while holding on to dear life in a hospital bed. it was one of the most fearful episode in my existence. and up to this day, the reason for the profuse bleeding is still unknown.

we celebrated Kahlil’s christening on May 16. it was a joyful affair all in all except that me and my closest sister had a major family feud due to a nephew. in short, they weren’t present during the event which really saddened me. when sis and i finally ironed things out, another major issue ensued with regards to business and partnerships. sis and i really had a tough 2010.

on one hand, it seemed to me that, any closely-linked relationship, like any other relationship, will pass through the test of fire. the aftermath will determine the character of the personalities involved, as well as their belief and stand on certain issues. honestly, it broke my heart twice last year being so close to my sister. but i trust God and his ways and i know that whatever happened, happened for a greater good no matter how sad or bad it is. (sigh)

moving on…

it was also last year when work demanded more from me. i had to book the Executives for a trip out of the country. it took me gruelling working hours having to deal with individual demands and preferences, revisions, additions and deletions, and all imaginable deterrents prior to the trip. the BIG day came, and eureka! it worked well for everyone. i didn’t say perfectly well, but all the major items were addressed and everything went well from the trip, to the Expo, to the dinners, etc. etc. my price? a new iPhone! (made in China nga lang…) but it was all worth the sweat sa dami ng pasalubong!

and yes, i got back to serving God through the choir again! it was a major, major comeback for me with some old and new faces. it was a queer feeling being back but it felt good, really good! i am into mentoring again and the kids are learning and getting better each week! and quite surprisingly, the kids are much more like family to me. i hope never to give my service up as best as i can… especially since the kids really look up to someone who will guide them to a path closer to Him…

last year was also a tough year for renting, so hubb and i decided to build our humble home at my parent’s compound. we transferred there early november. and although the house is not yet fully furnished, it was enough to keep us warm and comfy. at least, there are no more monthly rental fees to address to. it made life easier since we were closer to our parents this time and we can be with them everyday…

all on all, it was a year to be thankful for the many, many blessings! sure, there were so much more hardships along the way but to look at it in a different light makes the load lighter. i grew up a little more this year, i guess, and hopefully, have grown up much, much better than i was last year. 

prospectively, i am looking at 2011 in a different light. perhaps, travel? a new opportunity? a better paying job? a new baby? a home improvement?

oh, well. life awaits me and i am excited! i hope to look for better opportunities this year with a queer eye.

praise God for a new year!

Change is endless…

so many changes coming in and out of my life. sometimes, i cannot grasp it.

i’m not getting younger by the day. and i certainly sometimes feel old. technically old.

that is either i am feeling old, or i am old. whatever.

i have grown older into my organization and i can feel their need everytime.

i have grown so much part of the culture. so much part of its life.

rooted. and i can’t seem to move.

and yet sometimes i am looking for change inside the organization. 

burned out. burned in.

it seems like a cliche. but very real.

and yet again, as i look back, there really is no stagnation.

everything is moving in its own pace.

sometimes life moves so fast that everything seemed surreal and fleeting.

othertimes, it’s moving in its own dimunitive pace that it feels as if there’s nothing in progress.

but there is movement. and change.

in every single moment and every single cell of our body, we are changing.

changing. worsening. getting better.

it’s up to you.

that being ruminated, i’d just take life in stride.

as always.

as if i have a choice.

‘carry boom, boom’ lang ang life…

An Ode to the Wound Beneath my Old Bandage

i saw your name on ym.

i stare at it as if alive.

i sometimes feel it’s breathing on me…

and breaking me everyday.

sometimes i wish i could just honk on you.

and feel my presence once more.

and feel your presence once more. 

like we were before.

like the way we did.

like how we did it.

i wonder how it all went wrong?

and where i went wrong?

and what started it all.

and why you just felt cold.

i am feeling cold, alright.

sometimes missing you.

sometimes dreaming of you.

sometimes hating you.

sometimes loving you.

all those strong emotions carry me through.

and sometimes i feel dumb.

and numb. and scared.

and sorry. and sad.

and mad. and crazy.

i just miss you so.

‘you are wound beneath an old bandage.’

i heard Mitch Albom say over and over.

and it still hurts because the wound wouldn’t heal.

couldn’t heal.

because underneatha slab is still stuck inside me.

inside me.

so who’s forgiven?

who should be forgiven?

i do not remember if i asked to be forgiven.

or forgiveness in any sense.

perhaps i am proud. too proud.

but you were proud, too.

and that made all the difference.

you just shut me out.

and out of pride we had a fall out.

i wanted to reach out my hand in peace.

and build that bridge.

but i don’t have the strength. not yet.

in fact, i feel so weak and helpless.

holding out my hand weakens my soul.

but not holding it at all weakens both my heart and soul.

i am battling with time.

who can promise me the morrow?

i might not have time to apologize.

not have time for reprieve.

i need more prayers and strength of God.

to be able to achieve this.

the question of forgiveness…

the prayer for reprieve…

my heart is aching to reach out.

and my soul is arid for absolution.

i will seek my counsel and ask for help.

but i will keep on watching you.

laid back…

wishing i still have you.

my wound beneath an old bandage…

it still hurts.

Back to Me…

i’m back to singing for the mass!

it has been a month since we recouped the rest of the choir to get back into action once more. it took us a while to get geared up and going, but  once we’re off, there was no going back!

though it feels a little odd now… all of us have sort of ‘grown older,’ have families and kids (some have apo’s, mind you!), and jobs that take most of our time. and there were of course members of the generation which gives some sort of balance— the ‘oldies’ merged with the ‘newbies’. haha! i know it sounds odd, but that’s a fact of life. getting old is a fact of life. and allowing newbies in your life is also a fact of life. 

finally, years after years of searching for the one thing that suffices the soul, i returned to the place where i came from. it took me a lot senseless wandering before i finally realized what i really want to do: SERVE THE LORD THROUGH SINGING.

i am happy to be able to sing once again, and happier that i was able to sing back for the glory of God.

it feels good to be back home…

and back to me once more…

;-)

Hooray for Summer

as i plunged back into the corporate world after 2 months of blissful maternity leave, i was sucked once again into the rat race void. not that i didn’t like it. on one end, it felt completely good being ‘needed’ in a different kind of world, another dimension.

being a mom (and wife) is different from being an employee, but the satisfaction was more or less the same. only that, being a mom is imposed, while being an employee is a choice.both gives me entire satisfaction in a different kind of way but both are joyful. at the end of the day, it’s what i accomplished with excellence that mattered. quality over quantity.

i am also learning from My Rich Dad. i’ve subscribed to the Rich Dad newsletter to learn more about financial matters. i’m trying very hard to follow the coachings of Rich Dad. little by little, day by day, my goal to improve my financial intelligence is growing. i am so much of a neophyte just yet, but i am very much willing to learn and to improve my life and my finances.

we also had the Christening of our sweet Baby Boo, Noe Kahlil. it was a much celebrated event with the whole family. and more than the celebration, it was a day of thanksgiving. God has gifted us with a most precious little Boo we love so much. though not everyone attended (most ninangs were absent), but it was an event that is cherished forever.

(picture to be posted later)

what is summer without swimming? the day after the christening, the family had fun dipping at the nearby pool. it was super dooper fun! perfectly cool activity for the whole bunch. 

(pictures to follow)

though there were fun moments, there were also unavoidable gloomy instances that was part and parcel of the circle of life. Tatay was brought to the hospital due to pneumonia. and then, there were misunderstandings in the family because of my nephew who pricked some family relationships really bad.

i believe that as summer is hot, so are these kinds of diverse emotions and i acknowledge them fairly. there were times of celebration as there were times of dejection. but even that was unavoidable and part of life. there is a bigger picture, much, much bigger than ourselves. 

bottomline, summer is supposed to be lived with zest, for who knows if we will still be able to go through another summer in our lives…?

so, hooray for summer!

and CARPE DIEM!

;-) 

I’M BACK!

i’m back for many reasons:

… back to being a new mom

… back from the post-partum blues

… back from (near) death

… back to blogging 

… back to work

thank god for the 2-month hiatus! it’s really a breather from my mediocre life…

thank god for my resurrection… i value my second life more each day…

thank god for the new life that came from me! it makes life more worthwhile to live! 

and also, i have another secret to share:

I’M IN LOVE!!! 

with who else but this guy:

finally, my little Noe Kahlil

my BABY BOO…

having him makes all the pain worthwhile…

happy and blessed to be alive!  

[on a side note: just revised my blog’s current look to match my current emotional state.]

My ‘RED’ Valentine

Last Feb. 14, Valentine’s day, was unlike other v-day i had in my entire life.

The whole day was nothing but usual, as i was hooked at the laptop while doing Troe and Chloe’s projects which was due for passing the next day. I was also busy uploading pictures from my phone to the laptop, which annoyed me a little bit because of some glitches. It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday, 8 days after i gave birth to my 4th child.

At around 5pm, i went down the house to eat merienda (milo + pandesal). I was preparing for my afternoon sponge bath, which is usually around that time. I didn’t finish up my milo and proceeded with my shower. Everything was almost normal, except that when i tried to poop, there was a notable rush of blood. i didn’t feel any pain, except the usual feeling of having a very loose bowel, thereafter, spurts of blood would come out.

After the bath, i went upstairs to freshen up and to breastfeed my baby. But i was so surprised to feel another crunch in my tummy and there, another spurt of blood came out, this time, it fell on the floor. My children noticed the blood, said, ‘Mommy, me dugo…’ and i casually told them to get out of the room and go down. I know my boys were as shocked as i was but i tried to keep calm and initially just observed more of myself and current condition. I contacted my OB-Gyne, who was unable to attend to my call as she is hearing mass at that time. My eldest daughter, Chloe, stayed with me and when hubby learned of my condition, tried texting and calling my doctor.

I tried to stand up, but almost fainted. Everything suddenly spun around, my view went suddenly bleak, as if everything is in negative film. Luigi, my hubby, kept on telling me to hold on and breathe deeply and try hard not to faint. I tried my best not to lose consciousness. Even if i feel suddenly weak and powerless, i tried to focus on the necessities. I give simple instructions to hubb and Chloe on what to bring to the hospital. My doctor called back afterwards, and advised us to leave soonest for St. Clare for futher evaluation. Hubb and Chloe (my eldest daughter) swiftly dressed me up and packed all my stuff, with our little baby, and off we went.

We arrived a few minutes later at St. Clare, and i had stabilized already. There was minimal blood coming out from me then. My OB-gyne checked me to verify where the blood was coming from. Thereafter, she gave me a recommendation letter to Makati Medical Center for further observation and immediate attention. Upon further query, i told her that the fresh blood that came out of me would amount to 1 water dipper (tabo), which is not an exaggeration. And yes, it scares the hell out of me as well.

At Makati Med, i was given all the support and immediate attention. 2 IV’s were inserted on both arms since my BP already dropped to 80/50. Luigi said i was pale and ashen, and my feet seemed to have no blood at all. After i had stabilized, they run me a couple of tests and some more observations with the OB-gyne of MMC to verify the cause. But the immediate attention of blood transfusion was done to cure my hemoglobin deficiency, 3 bags of blood were transfused for my RBC to level up to normal. I was also subjected to CT scan of the whole abdomen to determine the potential source of bleeding from any of my internal organs. The result of the CT scan did not show any connection with my OB case, nor did they find out if it is GI bleeding. But i would still be subject to endoscopy weeks after to verify the real cause of the obscure bleeding. Till then, the final diagnosis will have to be shelved.


At the ER, while everything was passing by me and time is at a standstill, i valued these simple realizations about life and death and more…

-  That the line between life and death is so thin.
-  That i am not indispensible, like i thought.
-  That i need to breathe and live not for myself but for my kids.
-  That i need to get well and live well because of my kids.
-  That my kids need me and will need me at this time, hence, i cannot die. Not yet.
-  That life is so short and that it can be taken away from you anytime God wishes to.
-  That at the end of life, relationship is the most important part of life.
-  That your relationship with God is not a passport for you to get well.
-  That true friends may not be physically present but will still be active in some other way during rough times. You just tell them and they come running… that they can be prayer warriors as well.
-  That God’s conditions is at times confusing and painful, but you still have to trust Him no matter what.
-  That i cannot be too superwoman for everybody. And that i also have the right to bleed.


During those trial moments, i missed my kids so much and wished, even at that absurd moment, that they are present on my bedside. I missed even their bickerings and senseless petty fights. I just miss them so much that i keep on praying to God to make me well so i can be with them the soonest possible. Otherwise, i’ll die.

I realized how close i have been to death at that time. And no matter how ready i think i am facing death, fact is, I AM NOT. Death scares the hell of me and i cannot be too sure or to confident about life and its extension.

That probably was the worst feeling i had in this lifetime. It is true that at the verge of death, your whole life would just flash before your eyes, like a lengthy telenovela. And while watching your life pass by, you will realize that the things you thought you never regret were regretful, and the hurt you caused on other people were the worst episodes in your own movie.

What’s worse in that scenario is the feeling of helplessness, as if God has turned His back on me. I know that He didn’t (and never will), but at that time, i just felt that His hands were nowhere to be found and i was lying on my bed all alone, quivering at the thought of death. I dunno if it’s Him, but i guess it was more of me no longer feeling His closeness at heart. That thought actually made me so sad today. And that thought should seed my heart with the desire to be close to him once again.

It took me weeks to write this yet I still feel emotional everytime i remember my bittersweet valentine’s day at the ER. I am happy to be alive at this very moment and i’m grateful to God for another extension. Whatever lessons and realizations i had were treasured. This will be my handbook for the days to come.

To my friends who prayed, supported and stayed with me through the storm, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Special thanks to Fr. Ronnie Urbano (SDB) and Jay Suarez, who helped me find blood donors. Thanks to Ate Maris Rabago, who is my textmate and prayer warrior while i’m at the ER. Also thanks to Gen and Gene, who visited and stayed with me at the hospital. I hope to return the favor someday, guys…and if need be, i’m also willing to be a blood donor.

And of course praise God for the endless love and support that my family has showered me during those rough times. To my kids, who is the very reason for my holding on… and to Luigi, my hubby, partner and friend, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING THERE.

A Breath of Thanks

i just feel warm and fuzzy all over….

i texted friends (a.k.a. ‘prayer-warriors’) to pray for me and my baby boy’s upcoming delivery. and i was not disappointed. most of them shared their joy and excitement for the 4th-time mom (that’s ME!). i feel so overwhelmed by the thought that I AM NOT ALONE in this journey towards motherhood x4! it’s a sweet thought realizing that even time, distance and circumstances won’t keep us apart.

God has been generous enough to give me my family of choice: MY FRIENDS.

on another thought:

i feel so blessed for having my KIDS! my Ate and Kuya’s are all very supportive of mommy’s pregnancy. i feel that they take care of me more than they ever did… and for that i feel most BLESSED!

Ate Chloe, most of all, has been my  sidekick. she is my ‘Robin‘ in Batman and Robin, my ‘Ding‘ in Darna, my ‘Chitae‘ in Starzan (i don’t think she will agree, hehe…). she’s ALWAYS there for me, at my beck and call, and according to my whim and wishes. the best part of being a mom to a girl is that you always have someone to share your thoughts without doubt or second thoughts. you know that when you talk to HER as honestly and candidly as you can, SHE WILL ALWAYS UNDERSTAND what’s going on in that heart of yours. at least, that what i think about My Baby Girl… i still call her Baby Girl coz i know that she will always be my one and only baby girl in this planet.

my two boys are my  back-up support nowadays. Kuya Zoe is the more gentleman among the two as he really would take pleasure in carrying heavy bags and load. he really takes effort in opening doors and assisting me on the way down the car or bus, like a true blue gentleman. Troe on the other hand is the errand boy you can trust. but being the youngest, he still loves cuddling and hugging, and would sometimes sleep beside me at night. 

and Daddy never fail to kiss my overbulged tummy each night before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning. i can feel his excitement grow everyday and as time goes by makes me feel loved and awed. i love him more today than i did yesterday…

my Nanay, other siblings and pamangkins are also very supportive. i get chat and text messages of love and support everyday. my nuclear family never failed to amaze me with their undying support.

as for my office friends and colleagues, they too made me realize the value of camaraderie and trust. and that in any organization, your job goes beyond what is essential. if they feel that you can be depended on for little things, they will extend the same to you at no extra cost. my work has been a blessing for so many reasons, and the most important of which is for the health of my family. being in this organization made me realize how secure my health and most of all, my family’s health is, because that’s what we provide to many…

there are still a mountainload of things to be thankful for that only the Father knows. and i give Him all the blessings and honor!

Of Labor and Childbirth

visited my OB today.  

tomorrow, i’m 37 weeks pregnant. 

baby is  already full term and i could give birth very soon.

things to watch out for:

1. labor pains

2. bloody show

3. watery discharge

my OB-Gyne already gave me an endorsement letter to the hospital in the event that i experience any of the 3 in the list.

honestly, i’m scared.

it didn’t help that i had 3 previous childbirth already since all circumstances related to labor are very, very unique. even the so-called EDC (expected date of childbirth) is not an exact calculation (except of course, during C-section, wherein there is a scheduled childbirth). ONLY GOD KNOWS WHEN MY BABY WILL ARRIVE.

at this point in time, i already feel some slight, chronic, subdued but tolerable pain around the lumbar area a few times each day. it is an intermittent and latent tell-tale sign of minor labor. i know that, like me, baby is preparing himself for the big day. yet inspite of all these, i know that no amount of preparation can really guage the outcome or the actual event.

remember the Agony of Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane? i find this first sorrowful mystery apt to my present situation. like Jesus, i am anticipating the pain and the arduous labor. imagining that kind of pain and the entire scenario makes me gritt my teeth and sends shivers to my spine (Jesus had worse experience because he sweated with blood while praying…). i know the pain will climax in a way that will be unique and unforgettable until my last breath.

that’s why i already sought my counsel of friends to PRAY FOR ME, for my labor and for my baby. PRAY that i’ll be able to pull this off with grace and ease, inspite of the pain and hardship along the way. 

at present, my current inspiration and solace is the Passion of Jesus Christ which we share each year during Lent. i realized that no matter how painful ANYTHING can happen to me and to my life, it will NEVER be as painful as what Christ had experienced on the way to the cross. and whatever pain and hardship i will experience and encounter in this road to labor and childbirth, i will offer it completely to Jesus Christ.

Paul Tornier gladly calmed me with this thought:

Everything that is worthwhile in life is scary. Choosing a school, choosing a career, getting married, having kids–all those things are scary. If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile.  

my friends, i also urge you to PRAY FOR ME, my baby and my safe delivery.

please read this prayer in the silence of your heart:

thank you for your kindness… hope to return the favor someday.

;-) 

Goodbye 2009…Hello 2010!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

thank you for bearing with me in 2009… and i am glad to  be part of your young 2010! 

thanks to the nameless souls who’ve read my 2009 writings. thanks for your appreciation… and for coming back to re-read and update.

2009 has been both a trial and a blessing year for me and my family. there were lean months and rough ones, but most of them offered learnings, as each of us has a unique cross to carry around during the year. i could say life (and love) is a bed of roses, but each season offered a unique rose with or without thorns, that you lay upon depending on your current situation. 

i’m glad to be able to write again. i wanted to write sensibly during the holidays but i guess the christmas spirit in ‘09 isn’t as jovial as in the past years. the thought of christmas did not inspire me to write at all. i dunno if i was just too tired to be 7 months pregnant and working so hard or that the spirit isn’t as cheerful as it was. or maybe there is also such as thing as an emotional crunch.

anyhow, i attended a few chrismas parties… and the highlight of the holidays was the wedding of my ‘inaanak sa kasal’ Aya and Brian last December 18. our company christmas party also fell on that day but i was too tired to go to the event as i fell asleep when i got home to change attire for the party. oh well, major exhaustion took its toll on me that day.

christmas  was spent with my nuclear family with exhange gifts and the regular videoke happening. but i had the worst allergy attack on dec. 25 so i stayed home all day to sleep, groggy with antihistamine fighting off my pregnancy urticaria. timing naman, daddy had a trip to pangasinan on christmas dawn until the next day. so our family just had bonding moments at Timezone MOA when he arrived home from the trip the next day.

at dawn on new year’s day, Duds’ fingers got burnt by ‘Darna’s’ spark (note: Darna is our childhood term for the spark caused by lighting the firecracker powder. kids love to gather firecracker powder after the new year’s eve celebration which can be very dangerous and can cause burns.) his thumb had 2nd degree burns while his 3 other fingers had minor ones. we took him to MMC for wound sterilization and anti-tetanus shot.  

but all in all, my new year was a lot better as i had controlled allergies though it appeared sporadically during the supposedly ‘restful’ holidays. also, taking antihistamine medications solved my exhaustion as i had longer and better sleep patterns and therefore a refreshed outlook in the young 2010.

i still have a few assignments in tow for MYSELF which i will be posting eventually in this blog.

there’s ‘The Year in Review 2009′ which is my yearly reflection and recollection of the events that was, and a chance to understand the lessons taught in the past year.

also in line is ‘Moving Forward in 2010‘ which houses my goals and ideals for the year, my future plans, my dreams and wants, as well as my long-term and short term projections.

there’s still a lot to write about life and i hope that i’ll be able to post more this year than i did last year. i’m happy to be able to reach out to people and i hope you’ll still join me in my journey towards self-realization and growth.

there is so much to hope for, so much zest that i hope to be be able to squeeze out of life. and then there’s my Life-Purpose to think about, the ultimate reason for my existence.

oh well… 

goodbye to the crunch-filled 2009…

and cheers to a hopeful 2010! 

My Baby’s In Utero Photos

last saturday, Dec. 5, the whole family trooped to The Medical City, to have my baby photographed via 4D ultrasound.

Daddy and kids were there, like a bunch of kids in a school bus — noisy, agitated, excited. but alas, Baby was NOT in the mood for some photo ops, even with the whole bunch’s presence. he was in prone (backside) position. the doctors advised me to take a few minutes walk and return after the baby has moved. we went back to ultrasound queue to have another photo taken but to no avail.

everyone went home disappointed.

finally, yesterday, Daddy and i went back to The Medical City to try the 4D ultrasound again. and yes, we were successful after 2 attempts. the first attempt, Baby was covering his face with both hands and feet (imagine that!). we were able to finally determine the gender of our little one — HE IS A BOY! but then, since he is still not in the mood for picture-taking, i had to take another walk somewhere and really TALKED to Baby to be cooperative.

i told Baby that it didn’t matter to me that he was a boy, we accept him and love him all the same. we initially wished for a girl, but God gave us a boy and it wouldn’t matter to the world as long as he’s healthy and strong and happy. finally, Baby loosened up a little bit, and there, the pictures were taken.

the sonologist/OB-gyne was very excited to see his face, finally, after 3 attempts and said she couldn’t move out of excitement. she kept on taking pictures of Baby’s face and commented on his prominent nose and lips and cheeks. it was an absolute joy to hear her say, ‘Mommy, you have such a beautiful child!’ (her exact words:’ Mommy, ang ganda ng baby mo!’). i didn’t think she was humoring us or just making-bola, i know i do have a beautiful baby growing inside! 

as promised, here is my baby’s first photo in utero… 

Baby Noe’s first photo!

Baby Noe looks a lot like Ate Chloe, Kuya Duds and Kuya Troe. again, my recessive genes gave in to Daddy’s dominant traits for a better result!

ahhh..  the joy of motherhood!

My Pregnancy Saga

pregnancy is a strange thing. 

it is my 4th this time, yet it feels new and odd everytime.

a month ago, my ob-gyne was quite amazed (read: disappointed) at how i have NOT gained weight at all. for 2 months, my weight remained the same. thankfully, i did not feel the noxious nauseous feeling brought about by eclectic hormonal changes. my cravings were minimal if at all present, and i was not the usual whiny preggy mom. my body’s only obvious reaction is how it responds to exhaustion, i feel quite tired these days.

in my visit to the OB 2 months back, she ordered me to take a coupla multivitamins, including amino acids, due to my minimal weight-gain. one morning i woke up with a really bulging tummy, my baby seemed to have grown overnight! it was altogether a surprise and an astonishing event for a 4th time mom like me. not that it hasn’t happened before, but to feel the baby inside you to have grown bigger overnight was one for the books!   

now, 28 weeks and running, i feel a lot more confident and at ease with my pregnancy. i rarely feel the desolation and oddity of pregnancy. hubb and kids were very supportive and i feel their excitement grow everyday. my grown up kids each have a specific gender-want for the baby, which to me is amusing and altogether funny. of course, my boys want the baby to be a boy, while Ate Chloe wants to have a sister. me, as mommy, wanted to have another baby girl (if God so allow) as girls are more tamed and easier to get along with, and i surmise, even had higher EQ intelligence. i think i’ve had enough boys’ experiences having 2 sons in a row. 

the only funny part of the pregnancy was external: the office atmosphere. i didn’t really divulged to everyone (except those who were really close to me) about my condition. on my bosses’ side, it’s funny how they see me everyday and not even notice the changes on my bulging tummy. it was only last week when we had business planning that they noticed how ‘busog’ i look like. most of my officemates were surprised at the bulging tummy, since my face have not undergone any unusual change at all. i think i still look pretty flaired and uncomplicated inspite of the stress and workload.

during the last month, i already dreamt about my baby twice. the first time, the baby was wrapped in a swaddling cloth (pranela) sleeping peacefully, the gender still unclear. the second dream was just last weekend, the picture was closer and the gender already identified: it’s a boy! i had mixed emotions (coz i really want to have a baby girl again) but then God has better plans and who am i to intercede? what’s important is that my baby is strong and healthy and intelligent and the family’s constant joy. nothing else will matter. 

we are considering the name ‘NOE’ as the baby’s first name, after Ate Chloe, Zoe and Troe (sounds alike, eh?). The second name is still being debated in the higher courts. Daddy is suggesting Kahlil  which sounds like Clark Kent’s kryptonian name, Kal-el. note that Kahlil Gibran is also my favorite poet and forerunner so i think that Kahlil  is a really good second name. i just have apprehensions on the masculinity of the name combined. 

i’ll have my 4D ultrasound scheduled soon. will just update you guys and hopefully post pictures of my newborn baby in 4D. i’m excited and happy of the support i get from everyone around me. 

BLESSED AND THANKFUL. Ü

Victim

we’re one of those who were victims of Ondoy’s wrath.

that fateful day was like any other rainy saturdays in our lives: woke up late as usual on a saturday… cooked pork sinigang and had ‘brunch’ instead of the usual breakfast and lunch serving… watched tv and bonded with the kids… it was the perfect picture of a blissful ‘bed weather.’

all things were under control until we felt the water rising at a little past 12. it started rising steadfastly up to hip level inside the house, which was even worse outside and at the main street. good thing, hubb and father-in-law was home that fateful saturday to do the lifting and saving and prevent ominous things to happen by turning off the circuit breaker right away (our area was spared by Meralco brownout that day so we might be electricuted if the CB was not turned off). and gladly, our house had second floor (our sanctuary), and we had only a few important (electrical) stuff that needs to be transported up the second floor.

alas, the car, which was nestling at the parking space, was not spared from Ondoy’s wrath. water filled up to steering wheel level, hence, the seats were flooded as well. the fill-up happened only within a few minutes, and subsided right away. but the damage it caused for that few precious minutes was enough to cause havoc in our financial state. of course, fixing the car entails a few thousand cash, and we cannot help but feel nauseous and sad about our fate (especially hubb who loves the car for the world). yes, our car insurance did not have the AOG (’acts of god’) provision, which could have been the best security if we had known how important it is from the beginning. 

though there were obvious mishaps, there were things to be grateful for.

first, the typhoon happened at noontime on a saturday and everyone was home.  

second, we already had brunch when the water filled up the house. a lot of our neighbors were surprised and had lunch only when the water subsided at around 3-4PM.

third, hubb and father-in-law was at the house which had the prompt sense of what’s going on and what else could happen during that time. (if i’d been the only adult at home, i would’ve freaked out heavily.)

fourth,  though water was high, it stayed for only a few minutes and subsided right away. this means less health-risk, pressure and eww-ness on our part.

fifth, we spared almost every electrical items in the house, except for my 2 precious washing machines and dryers (one i owned, and one was a hand-me-down from Nanay).

sixth, the car is of manual type and not running when the flood came, hence, the mechanical parts were spared. the electricals had few mishaps which was fixed right away by the car electrical guru in our place. the next day, hubb was able to drive and send it off to Nissan Mantrade for nspection and scrutiny. it’s working perfectly now, except for the car stereo, which will be fixed once the car guru finds time again.

all things considered, we were far better off than the nameless souls we have seen in national tv. their losses involved not just material things but far worse, the lives of their loved ones, including a broken spirit.

life goes on…

every individual has had a certain tragedy in their lives, depending on the nature and causes. like love, tragedy cannot be helped; it is a given and imposed… much as we’d like to understand why, the more we cannot because life is a great big puzzle. some are spared not necessarily because of faith, but because each of us carry a unique cross which we must bear. for some even, not bearing a particular cross is in itself a tragedy.

what’s absolute is that tragedies reveal a person’s moral fiber. in the light, it may not be as evident but in darkness and gloom, some great characters are borne to perfection, while others simply just fade away. good or bad, tragedies expose an individual’s absolute temperament in the worst kinds of situation.

moral lessons…

worse, i hear mother nature’s wail with every single beating we give her: quarrying, tree-cutting, reclaiming bodies of water, dumping of garbage, and a lot more. mother nature is starting to give us rough spanking year in and year out as natural calamities become worse each and every year. mother nature is getting tired of our selfishness, abuse and utter disregard for her gifts. unless we stop and purposefully do something about mother nature’s health, she will continuously scourge us to the pits. 

the cliche is: THERE IS NO BETTER TIME TO ACT THAN NOW.

sadly, i still have no idea where to start…

Vulnerability

some call it  (or gestational-related) hormones.

i call it vulnerability.

last night, in the middle of sleeping time, i cried. poured my heart out to hubb about all the troubles and anxieties i feel. a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings unexpressed suddenly bursted out on me like a dormant firecracker.

i couldn’t say if it was because of a dream since i was sleeping already when hubb arrived late. i couldn’t say if i got irate when i was awaken from a deep slumber. all i know is that my subconscious infected the conscious that thoughts and feelings cascased on me like wildfire and all bottled up emotions suddenly shot up like geiser.

i just feel so tired lately. all the heavy load on my shoulders being the lone EXO staff, the long hours at work, the homework responsibility with the kids when i get home, the lack of socials and time for myself… everything frustrates me! i try to be superwoman at every opportunity, but i can’t. i really can’t be superhuman. 

burn-out, frustration, anxiety, failure— all the negative emotions get back at me too. of course, all these feelings heightened because of hormones.

nothing much excite me these days. not even this pregnancy thing. sorry for being callous and insensitive but that’s what i feel lately. everything seemed bland and tasteless and odorless and pale. i must be living in the mediocre.

i wonder where life’s zest is…? and i wonder why it evades me nowadays..?

Nostalgic Moments with Tita Cory

i had been wanting to write about Tita Cory, even before her imminent death and after all the royalties of her burial. i also wanted to have my share of thoughts and experiences about People Power. 

i think i am not good at history and i desist it when i was still studying. but as they say, history is a part of yourself and you are part of history. so allow me regress a little bit share to you my nostalgic moments about Tita Cory.

People Power

i was 11 years old (5th grade) when the Snap Elections of 1986 between Cory and Marcos was held. my very few recollections involved watching in national TV a few Namfrel personnel ‘walk-out’ in protest of election fraud. afterwards, events cascaded after another due to unrest and failure of trust for the Marcos leadership. that event probably triggered what history would call ‘a peaceful revolution’ or People Power I.

to my young mind, the EDSA revolution is not a thing to be alarmed of. in fact, it was a celebration of sort. Nanay and Tatay went to EDSA (i think on the 3rd day), not necessarily to support Tita Cory, but most probably to ‘uzi’ (the pinoy slang term for ‘usisero,’ meaning to snoop around) or just to get into the ambiance and the brouhaha of ‘a bloodless revolt.’  

and yes, like most Filipinos, they were there to snoop and snap! 

i also recalled a photo of Tatay and Nanay at EDSA posing in front of a huge military tank with soldiers during the 4-day vigil at EDSA. there were yellow ribbons strewn all over, and there were balloons somewhere in the background, and the entire assemblage was really joyous rather than anxious. how else can one get a really nice photograph of herself if she had been threatened or agitated? 

EDSA 1 was really something!

it was February 25, 1986 when President Marcos stepped down of his throne. the same night he left for Hawaii, our entire family trooped to Malacanang along with throngs of people who wanted to get a feel of what was happening. (our former house in Sampaloc, Manila is located near the Bustillos area, which is a few blocks away from Malacanang. we walked from the house all the way to Mendiola.)

though it was already late, the ambiance at Mendiola was extraordinarily joyous. suddenly, the definition of DEMOCRACY has taken a really nice turn for the Filipinos. to us, DEMOCRACY is not just a word, it has become a real intense feeling of something joyous with a cause to celebrate. our entire family went home extra happy that night, the feeling of victory and a certain sense of relief lingered for quite a while.

there’s no doubt that the 80’s color is YELLOW. and if PEACE had a color, then there can be no other color than YELLOW.

I Had Coffee With Cory!  

it was in my senior year when fate again struck me and my batchmates with good luck. Manila Science High School Batch ‘91 was invited to have lunch (and coffee!) with Tita Cory at Malacañang. 

(forgive my absurd memory, i do not quite recall the reason WHY we were invited to have lunch with Tita Cory at Malacañang… thankfully, my classmate and batchmate, Fred Castillo, supplied the answers through this blog. salamat, Fred!)

what i remembered vividly though is that i became part of the Senior Choir of Batch ‘91 that perfomed for Tita Cory that fateful day at Malacañang. we had rigorous practice prior to the event, as if in a competition. some of the songs we prepared were Psalm 23 (my fav’rite psalm!), Impossible Dream (of course!) and Love is the Answer (the song which should not have been sung after the President’s speech).

we had lunch in one of Malacañang’s grand ballroom which had the most awesome set of chandeliers i ever saw in my entire life. the chandeliers were made of the best kind of wood with quaint little rose carvings, very detailed and very Filipino. i also heard from someone that the chandeliers were crafted by the great Filipino artist, Fernando Amorsolo (unofficial report though).

i would always correlate Tita Cory with yellow so i was surprised that she wasn’t donned in her favorite color that day. she was very simple and we really appreciated her warmth and sincerity.

   (where the heck was i here?!)

thereafter, we were given ‘I Had Coffee with Cory’ yellow mugs as souvenirs, which was stolen from me (darn!) when i had to wait for a long queue at the ladies room. losing that precious mug was one of the greatest consternation in my young life. i had no yellow Cory mug to bring home, nothing to show off to my family and friends, and no keepsake to store in the family souvenier cabinet. 

so i was really quite happy that Fred was able to keep the souvenir and had it photographed! yay!

it wasn’t mine, but at least i can show my family that the yellow coffee mug from Tita Cory was real and not just a fragment of my imagination…

Tita Cory made us all PROUD! 

foremost, she made the Filipino people proud of her very presence in our lives. she showed us what DIGNITYand COURAGE meant, and that these 2 words are not mere adjectives, but that it can also be felt by the human heart and can triumph in a hopeless world. 

she made us realize the real meaning of DEMOCRACY, especially after her death. she made us known that democracy is dead without the real sense of self and dignity in words and action.

she taught us the value of SIMPLICITY, of living simply and choosing not to go by life’s complexities. and that it is not unpopular or stupid or obscure to be just that, simple.

she re-introduced God again in our lives and renewed our faith in the Divine Master. she taught us the power of prayer and that a little seed of faith can move mountains and stop military tanks! she always believed that whatever trouble or threshold we all are at, prayers and conversation with God will enlighten us and will show us the way.

no one will ever forget Tita Cory and the difference she made in the lives of every Filipino.

and especially in MY life…

heaven must be rejoicing now, and i bet Jesus was clasping her hands while whispering: ‘Job well done, Cory!’

(awwww… i think that was sweet!) 

Status Quo

Opportunities, like eggs, come one at a time.

— American Proverb

sometimes opportunity knocks at an odd time.  

and it distracts me so bad i sometimes feel that life is at its odd playing tricks on me. again. and again.

right, so i don’t have to feel bad?

let me share you the gist:

a month ago, a former colleague called me up, asking for my resume. she wanted me to apply as executive assistant for a multinational company which is her newfound office. the job level for this position is equivalent to assistant manager, of course attached with it are the perks and privileges of being AM. what’s really sweet in that offer was the educational allowance they are willing to give me (should i decide to pursue my graduate studies), including that of my dependents.

i was actually so thrilled my eyes would pop would excitement. i know i am PERFECT for the position (enough for modesty) because i worked hard with my craft and i honed my skills for excellence. i know that there could be no other person more perfect for the job than ME…

however, the evident downside of it all was my current condition. it suddenly dawned on me that some companies will NOT consider hiring a pregnant woman like me. the thought terribly stung my eyes, i almost cried out of distress and bitter regret. of course, of course… that would be a big ‘X’ mark on my resume.

okay, so life once again played a trick on me (as it always does…).

i will not deny my notable unrest these past few months regarding my job. not that i no longer love working or that i don’t love my work or my boss or colleagues. i just feel an unnecessary unrest due to so many factors affecting my life. and honestly, my jobstreet and jobsdb offers are almost always active and i’ve been throwing my resumes here and there, hoping to find a better alternative and a better offer of course. i think i’ve done exceptionally well in this organization and i deserve a little breathing and a promotion if so fate provide.

and then again, God has other plans for me (sorry if that line sounded more of a cliche to you now). though i know that not all my best laid plans happen, God already laid the perfect plan for me in secret. and that will base entirely on my decisions in the future.  

for now, i will just ponder on the better things in life, including the best laid future that God has planned for me. and work well, work with excellence in mind… and take each day a step at a time…

God must be telling me this time: ‘Trust me, status quo is better…’

and i just completely submit to the Higher Being who knows no boundaries when it comes to abundant blessings!

Wake Up Call

just wanna share you this very nice post…

good am!    

Gising, Tol.

Tumatanda ka na.

Nasa Friday Magic Madness na yung mga paborito mong kanta. Nakaka-relate ka na sa Classic MTV. Lesbiana na yung kinaaaliwan mong child star dati. Nanay na lagi ang role ng crush na crush mong matinee idol noon .

Dati, pag may panot, sisigaw ka agad ng “PENDONG!”. Ngayon, pag may sumisigaw nun, ikaw na yung napapraning. Parang botika na ang cabinet mo. May multivitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, royal jelly, tsaka ginko biloba.

Dati, laging may inuman. Sa inuman, may lechon, sisig, kaldereta, inihaw na liempo, pusit, at kung anu-ano pa. Ngayon, nagkukumpulan na lang kayo ng mga kasama mo sa Starbucks at oorder ng tea.

Wala na ang mga kaibigan mo noon.

Ang dating masasayang tawanan ng barkada sa canteen, napalitan na ng walang katapusang pagrereklamo tungkol sa kumpanya ninyo. Wala na ang best friend mo na lagi mong pinupuntahan kapag may problema ka. Ang lagi mo na lang kausap ngayon e ang kaopisina mong hindi ka sigurado kung binebenta ka sa iba pag nakatalikod ka. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.

Mahirap nang makahanap ng totoong kaibigan. Hindi mo kayang pagkatiwalaan ang kasama mo araw-araw sa opisina. Kung sabagay, magkakilala lang kayo dahil gusto ninyong kumita ng pera at umakyat sa tinatawag nilang “corporate ladder”. Anumang pagkakaibigang umusbong galing sa pera at ambisyon ay hindi talaga totoong pagkakaibigan. Pera din at ambisyon ang sisira sa inyong dalawa.

Pera. Pera na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo.

Alipin ka na ng Meralco, PLDT, SkyCable, Globe, Smart, at Sun. Alipin na ng Midnight Madness. Alipin ka ng tollgate sa expressway. Alipin ka ng credit card mo. Alipin ka ng ATM. Alipin ka ng BIR.

Dati-rati masaya ka na sa isang platong instant pancit canton. Ngayon, dapat may kasamang italian chicken ang fettucine alfredo mo. Masaya ka na noon pag nakakapag-ober- da-bakod kayo para makapagswimming. Ngayon, ayaw mong lumangoy kung hindi Boracay o Puerto Galera ang lugar. Dati, sulit na sulit na sa yo ang gin-pomelo. Ngayon, pagkatapos ng ilang bote ng red wine, maghahanap ka ng San Mig Light o Vodka Cruiser.

Wala ka nang magawa. Sumasabay ang lifestyle mo sa income mo.
Nagtataka ka kung bakit hindi ka pa rin nakakaipon kahit tumataas ang sweldo mo. Yung mga bagay na gusto mong bilhin dati na sinasabi mong hindi mo kailangan, abot-kamay mo na. Pero kahit nasa iyo na ang mga gusto mong bilhin, hindi ka pa rin makuntento.

Saan ka ba papunta?

Tol, gumising ka. Hindi ka nabuhay sa mundong ito para maging isa lang sa mga baterya ng mga machines sa Matrix. Hanapin mo ang dahilan kung bakit nilagay ka rito. Kung ang buhay mo ngayon ay uulit-ulit lang hanggang maging singkwenta anyos ka na, magsisisi ka.

Lumingon ka kung paano ka nagsimula, isipin ang mga tao at mga bagay na nagpasaya sa’yo. Balikan mo sila.

Ikaw ang nagbago, hindi ang mundo.

 

 

~ repost from McNeil (via Multiply)

Just Some Thoughts…

sorry again for the long lull…

i have been logging into this blog and creating posts but i can’t seem to find the time to finish them. all of the thoughts i have written would be a waste if i’ll just delete them. 

so, here…  snippets of thoughts i had for the past few months, hoping to finally make you understand what is going on inside me.  

written 2009-06-01 @15:14:00

tell me of misery. of sadness. of warfare and desolation.

tell me of times where there is no life. where nothing important matters to who you really are.

not even success. or wealth. or knowledge. 

misery completes the picture.  

 

the person that you really are do not set you apart from your misery.

[whatever the feelings  i had on this day reflects a rather gloomy perspective. gladly, it’s just the rush…]

o ~ 0 ~ o

written 2009-06-03 @12:16:00

i’m still crazy about going back to school.

but i can’t seem the find the time or energy or the hard push to get there or to get moving.

 

i am at a threshold asking whether i ‘want’ to or i ‘need’ to.  want is something superficial, like gushing for that candy. need is something deeper, as in one cannot live without it. at present, i’m at the stage where i am in deep want of something to disturb my mediocre corporate life. i want something to excite me, and going back to school will really speed me up.

  

either way, it will benefit me entirely.  

[this post was weeks before i learned i am pregnant…]

o ~ 0 ~ o

2009-07-31 13:28:00

i just sooo L-O-V-E my kids!!!

 

they are growing up so fast and growing up to be good-natured and cool kids. though they still have their unique naughty notions, one cannot discount the fact that their genes were strewn out of mine. we share the same smile, laughter, funny faces. and we love making fun of ourselves without getting too emotional or onion-skinned. they loved laughing loudly and laughing their hearts out.

they aren’t afraid to show their weaknesses, not afraid to be caught in an uncompromising position because of their actions. they aren’t afraid to show their feelings at me and towards me. and yes, they can be subversive sometimes,  but that is probably my trait and they got it from me.

they make me feel loved all the time. they love to hug me so tight and kiss me like babies (even if they are all too grown up now to kiss their mom like babies!). they are expressive in sharing their thoughts and feelings at me because i encourage them to speak up about what they feel. for example, i tell them: ‘tell me what you feel coz i am not a fortune-teller and i hate guessing games.’

o ~ 0 ~ o

2009-08-04 13:14:00

this pregnancy thing is really peculiar.

 

i had my 3 kids born consecutively almost every year and rarely felt any peculiarities and cravings on the first quarter of pregnancy. but this one is notably annoying.

foremost, my mornings are dependent on her (let’s assume she’s a she…). either that i’d roll out of bed gracefully or i’d roll out of it bummed. either that i have a terrible headahe or that i am heady and geared completely.

i hate all kinds of BAD smell! i don’t like eating the food i cooked and would rather eat out and buy fastfood. 

i am  crazy about japanese food especially sashimi in kikoman and wasabe! i crave for it almost everyday. most days, FRUITS are my companion especially watermelons! 

 

[yes, the peculiar feeling is still going on inside me like ‘first time’. sometimes, i feel like such a bum… but then again, i feel that i have a rather glowing aura, which some deduce as a certain ‘coming of age in pregnancy’ which to me is a positive thing… ] 

On our 11th…

 An Ode to My Man…

11 years seem to fly us by…

11 years of marriage mean endless learning and getting-to-know-you episodes. sometimes exhilirating, other times exasperating. but it always keeps me preoccupied. you were quite a handful.

 

sometimes the feelings obliterate. sometimes i feel like being on queue. sometimes your presence drives me mad. and i keep questioning fate if i deserve it. perhaps you enjoy seeing me suffer or pained. perhaps i, too, have to be blamed. and i admit at times, i can be a masochist, too. 

but once the tables turn, you bring me sheer joy. cocooned, protected, firewalled. sometimes, too tightly that my chest would burst. but i love that warmth and your consistency for inconsistence, that i am always puzzled and in awe. sometimes deliberately, other times, just plain surprise. 

 

the life you showed me is treacherous. how we both love spontaneity and the element of surprise. we love asking ‘what’s next?’ or ‘what about tomorrow?’ i’ve learned to gamble life with you. and as much as i enjoy it, sometimes life pricks us so hard in the finger, it bleeds profusely. but that’s how life is. you get what you deserve because of what you give it.

 

our lives entwined in a vast sphere of interlinked souls. our souls tripled in ten years. on our eleventh, it quadrupled. blessings after blessings of life’s continuity were showered upon us. not only because we deserve it, but because we are worthy. 

 

when we focused on a single goal, we achieve. we fail only when we disintegrate. that’s what life is teaching us: to achieve our dreams together, to hang on to each other, to hold on and weather every storm, to depend on each of our strengths to be able to achieve. but we keep forgetting. we keep on denying that our strength lies on each other and our weaknesses were borne out of our independence. we have to stick together like a stamp in a postcard until we get to our destination.

 

still our 11th is worth celebrating.

inspite of the failure and pain and some hardships, life is meant to be lived because there was YOU.

and because i realized that life will never be the same if i ain’t got you. 

 

~ to Luigi, my lover, partner and friend…