On Writing

something about writing is bothering me. and i really need an honest-to-goodness opinion from someone other than my friend/s. or people who have read my blog(s) in this lifetime.

i am at a threshold. god knows how much i love to share my thoughts to anyone and throw them into blogosphere. that’s why i write. if people ask me the real reason why i write, this is the reason:

i love writing. and i love writing about me, my family, my blessings, my life, my life lessons, my feelings, my thoughts. everything that happens to me i want shout unto the world!

i am full of so many things unfathomable and unspoken. i am oozing with so many thoughts, ideas and i want everyone to be a part of what i feel and what i think. and to a certain degree i sometimes feel like bursting out, on a positive degree.

yet, some days, i feel that i am shackled or muted. i wanted to write about everything yet i have to be cautious of what to write because people are reading my blog. a certain anxiety creeps to me knowing a friend or former close contact from another space is reading from me and would want to know something about me in this new life cycle. 

honestly, your honor, i am as edgy and confused as you are! and i can’t seem to find answer or a reason for this paranoia on writing! talk about big time anxiety attack…

enlighten me please…

some days i want to be appreciated and loved. yet sometimes, i just need to get away from it all… 

i can almost hear The Carpenters singing, ‘it’s like the devil and the deep blue sea…’

 ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

as i was writing this piece, a sudden peace engulfed me, and in the midst, i heard a whisper:

if you’re writing for other people, you will never please anyone.

only when you’re writing for The One residing in you will you get complete satisfaction…

 

it struck me. it made me cry.

now, i know the reason for this gift. and why i need to write…

writing is my calling and my inherent gift. God gave me this for a purpose, to maximize fully so that people other than myself will benefit from it. 

i used to say, “oh, but if it bothers them, then that’s no longer my problem.” but i learned from past experiences (i.e. thru my former blog) that there is such a thing as sensible writing and that there is an accountability factor attached to it. 

but then, no one has the right to question my writing and why i write. this is what i want to do, what i need to do. this is an appendage of my creative self; this is my life purpose.  life will be lived otherwise if i will not push through with writing.

[on the other hand, you always have an option. just click the red ‘X’ box on the upper right hand corner of your screen. i will go away…]

oh, well…

;-)

HBD 2 me!

it’s 9:59pm.

i’m alone at the house pondering over my birthday, which is a few more hours short of now. tomorrow is my 35th birthday, and i’m still unsure of what will happen.

a while ago, hubb was asking me of my plans for tomorrow, and told him i have nothing really in mind, except of course to hear mass since it’s sunday and it’s my birthday. again, he asked what time we should hear mass tomorrow. i think, i said: ‘i don’t know… let’s just see tomorrow. i want my birthday to be spontaneous and a surprise…’

hubb already gave me a suprise gift a few days ago: a digicam. it’s been on my wishlist for the longest time (every christmas, birthday, anniversary, i’ve been praying for it, but it didn’t materialize…) i was really surprised to get it last thursday at dawn as an advanced birthday gift. W-O-W.

on my 35th birthday, i want it to be a suprise! i can almost hear myself sing an old tune: ‘que sera, sera. whatever will be, will be…’ no one really knows what’s in store for the future, we just have to live it to the fullest everytime.

i learned from the past that too much planning is stressful and do not necessarily produce actual results. on the other hand, i’ve been through so many spontaneous moments in my life which were remembered and cherished more. ask Luigi, those spontaneous moments make us tick and bonded us thickly. we both love the element of surprise.

i have a few things in mind though:

• wash clothes first (haha!)
• have mass
• sing at mass as thanksgiving
• drive the car with my family without specific direction
• (possibly tagaytay..?)
• swimming at the nearest pool
• cook something (pancit..?)

we’ll see… i’ll just go on with life and what’s in store for me tomorrow…

i just know i will have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Needy

i have a confession to make: i’ve been needy lately.

it’s a certrain neediness that’s a little off the hook, it cracks every individual i get across with.

signs include: intolerance to certain situations, frustration, impatience, and at times, hostility. 

 
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