Why Me? What did I do?

some people surprise me.

consider both scenes…

Scene 1: 

Audit Committee members were gathered at the Boardroom. i handed Mr. Ang (adviser) the materials for the meeting, afterwhich, he asked, ‘Are you alreM?’ of course, i said yes, but he looked at me rather differently as if he knows something good about me. he was in awe, as if saying, ’so you’re that girl!’ 

Scene 2: 

our newly appointed corporate secretary dropped by the office for the first time to have a briefing on the status of the company and the legal affairs that might be essential to his existence. as such, he was welcomed by Atty. Martin, our asst. Corsec and AVP. after the meeting and to my surprise, both Corsecs dropped by my area and Atty. Martin introduced me to the new corsec. i sensed a certain pride in Atty. Martin’s tone as he was introducing me, no extra words, not too sweet or catchy, but the entire conversation was in itself a total surprise. how many bosses would introduce their staff the same way he did?! of course, i was elated a little bit, but more than the surprise— hey, was i flabbergasted!

i started asking myself:

WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO??? 

of course i didn’t want to assume that they are talking (good) things about me. but sometimes, good notions cannot be suppressed. one need not be clairvoyant or a mind-reader to be able to guage one’s perception of you. just the way they look, the pride in their voice, the certain awed perpection, the silent respect. these are enough positive things to keep me going everyday.

still i cannot help but ask ‘Why me?’ and ‘What did i do?’ i get curious everytime.

Francis Kong, in his blog, posted ‘Do Not Ask “Why Me?”, and i qoute:

Have you ever caught yourself in a (difficult) situation and then the words come out of your mouth saying. “But God, why me?” My experience in most of these cases is that God never answers you the “why” question because even if He does you and I would either be so scared to death or we simply would not understand.

yep, perhaps i really will not understand.

besides, i must be doing something good that’s why i am silently appreciated.

that’s a really exhilirating thought…

Networking

“DO YOU WANT TO GET RICH?”

who doesn’t want to? answer to this question is an absolute YES!

this big question mark lured me into an internet business which somehow excited me. the site has a really profound and exciting advertising element not typical of any networking schemes. but the website’s  more luring advertisement factor is that this business will be the answer to your financial worries. i can finally help your family and loved ones achieve financial freedom.

to me that business opportunity seemed to be an absolute solution to our financial worries. i looked at the current financial situation of my nuclear family. Nanay and Tatay are both senior citizens and dependent on medicines, while my 2 other sisters living with them were both jobless. it seems i am the only one near them who can extend financial assistance.

it makes sense, right?

in short, i left my name and contact details on the website. a few days later, i received a SMS asking me to attend the seminar on a saturday. however, saturday is my sacred day (my absolute rest day!), hence, i deliberately canceled all saturday schedules for getting rich. i wasn’t even lured that the orientations are being held at a posh 5-star hotel in makati. i figured getting rich is secondary to getting a rest.

but i did get an appointment last wednesday. i asked our company driver to drop me off at the same place the coordinator texted me. along buendia, i saw a huge sign of an infamous networking company, which gave me a huge notion that i might be being lured into the same business i’ve been avoiding.

i saw a glistening black AUDI at the parking lot where i dropped off. then walked casually at the lobby of the building, heart thumping, half praying that i will not be led into the office where the huge ad of a networking company is. but alas, the guard showed me in.

i entered nonchalantly, surveying the area. there were enough people to fill the room. a woman approached me and asked if i was there for an interview. i shook my head in strong indignation. still, i had the hunch that the man who texted me was there, rounding off the entire area with an expat, who seemed to be the president/ceo of the company. yes, probably he owns the black AUDI.

and before someone approach me again to ask me to take a seat and proceed with the seminar, i turned to the guard and asked the location of the restroom, which, thankfully, was outside of the seminar room. i walked towards the parking lot, texted our driver and sped off.

that would have been my close encounter to getting rich. at least thru Herbalife. 

sorry but networking is really not my thing, and certainly not my idea of getting rich. i have nothing against people who profit from networking. i just don’t believe in the system. i cannot sell something i do not believe in.

what i believe in?

getting rich WHILE doing something i love… 

Mother’s Day

may 10 is Mother’s Day!

just wanna share you the text messages i received yesterday…

“Hapy mother’s day!” greetings were pouring on my cellfone.

first honor is Choi / Jay, my friends and partners in the wedding coordinating biz who texted me at 8:14am.

2nd honor is my Ate Yam (3rd sibling) at 8:28am:

As a Mom, we earn no trophy, no medal, nor recognition. but in our heart we know that OUR FAMILY IS OUR BEST TROPHY… “happy mother’s day!!!” 

3rd honor is my Ate Ne (2nd sibling) at 8:51am:

[cute figure]

Sweet KISS n hug to a PRETTY MOM,

happy mother’s day!!!

YOU R SPECIAL!

:-)

4th honor is my boss, our Pres & CEO, who greeted me with a screaming,

‘HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! from Tong’ at 8:51:35am.

other greeters:

My wish for you is good health, prosperity and forever happiness with your loved ones. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

~ Weng Gonzales, cousin

Happy Mother’s Day to you!May God continue to give you strength, wisdom, blessings and love to be the best mom you can be! Enjoy your special day!

~ Tere de Mesa, officemate

Hope this day will be as wonderful as u want it 2b co’z u dserve2 have 1.

Have a happy MOTHER’S DAY!!!

~ Boleng, church choir mate

“Happy Mother’s Day!” from Sherlog at 10:39am; from Eva Cabellon and Gail Gustilo.

and from Dr. Chie and Ms. Elke, our AVPs.

[flower figure]

Fresh Flowers

For

A Very

Special Mom

who never fails 2 do d best 4 her family…

HAPPY Mother’s day.

~ Ate Me, my 4th sibling

Of ALL d earthly thing GOD gives there’s one above all others.

It is d precious priceless gift of Loving MOTHERS.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY PO.

~ Ateng, my niece (who gave us our first apo)

It would take a thousand workers 2 build a caste,

a million soldiers 2 protect a country.

But it only takes 1 WOMAN 2 build a happy home.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

:-x

~ Girlfriend Marge, 1 of the Power of 3

Tnk u for greeting me. Happy mother’s day rin.

i love u too.

~ from my Nanay!!! 

Hapy mothers’ day to ol moms…Ü

~ Bimbz, one of the Charmed Ones 

Motherhood is a tough 24-hr job:

No pay, No day-off, most often unappreciated:

& yet resignation is impossible!

Happy TANGING INA DAY sa u!

~ Ate Mendot, ex-choirmate

Day Merl, gd pm. tnx 4d greetings.

yes that’s true, as a mother be a key and a light

in the home cos we are VIP 2d success of  our family.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

~ Aunt Rosing, from Mindanao

Health, blessings, love, peace

are my prayers to u

happy mothers day!

God bless!

~ Mareng Joan, ex-choirmate

No man is poor who has had a godly mother.”

- Abraham Lincoln 

happy mother’s day to a great mom like you!!!

:-)

~ anonymous sender

Marami pong salamat. Hapi moms day to u 2!

Regards to all.

~ Libay, closest friend and ally

of course, i made my own composition in filipino, which was sent out to beloved moms on my cellfone list…

ikaw pa rin and ilaw ng tahanan, kahit na minsan, ikaw rin ang haligi…

sa nagbabagong panahon, dakila ka Inay!

maligayang araw ng mga Nanay!!!

;-) 

i’ve heard all mother’s day greetings, but the best greeting were the ones i got from my kids with matching super kisses and power hugsssss!!!

MOMMY is such a sweet, sweet word…

Dreamt of Aunt Lia

i dreamt of my Auntie Lia this morning.  she was the departed relative who triggerred my post ‘On Death’ last october.

it was an untimely death and a total surprise to the whole clan. she was the youngest daughter in the brood of 8, yet her other older siblings survived her. 

to me she is our closest Aunt, having to live as neighbors in Sampaloc, Manila and growing up together with her children, my first cousins. in her younger years, i simply adore her! she was an epitome of a modern woman in her times. she was beautiful, smart and a successful woman. she teaches radio communication subject at PATTS and was able to send her daughters to the best schools. in the 80’s they were able to buy a house and lot in Camella Homes Las Pinas, which parted our families geographically. on the actual move-out day, my cousins invited me to come with them to Las Pinas. i remember riding a six-by-six truck filled with their stuff, excited for the new life awaiting them. it was a perfect set-up, a perfect family on the right track to growth.

i spent the next vacation in their place in Las Pinas. and then the next, and the next. as for the next vacations, we tried but situations won’t permit it. we tried to keep in touch. we visit them every January 1st, which is my Uncle Domi’s birthday (her husband). but due to factors such as space, distance, time and circumstances, our visits (and vice versa) eventually dwindled. we only get together only during essential times such as weddings, baptisms, and wakes.

 

going back to the dream… here’s the gist:

it started bleakly, i know the dream happened at night. we saw her wrapped in white cloth, lying down a wooden bed. another figure of her was standing somewhere in the dream, also wrapped in white cloth to the face. at first, everyone who was in the dream was aghast, looking at the ghost of her. somewhere in the middle, she joined our conversation and there was no more fear or worry or any negative notion.

we were at peace talking. i remembered asking her: ‘buti pinayagan ka…’ pertaining to her presence down here. she retorted something (sorry, not verbatim) that there seemed to be an event up there (go figure out where and what event), and we nodded as if we knew what it was.

then, i remembered her telling me, ‘ingatan mo ang mata mo… nasa Maxicare ka pa naman…’ i dunno what she meant, but… oh, well.

then i hugged her tight and told her that i love her (in tagalog, mind you!).

i didn’t exactly remembered how the dream started or ended (no dream has a start or an end, anyways…). but i know i was dreaming. in the dream i am aware that she’s already dead. i know that she would want me t. o do that to her, to assure her of something, to have a deeper conversation, to rekindle a deep-lasting relationship. i know she purposely chose me to convey a message, or to solve a puzzle within me.

i never regarded myself as a clairvoyant person but heck, she was able to reach through me in a dream. and gosh, not all dead people are able to do that, but she did not just once but a few times already! my sister dreamt of her, so did her youngest daughter, and our closest kin who served her family for years. she was always everyone’s topic during reunions and ‘padasal’ (novena for the dead). 

she is simply a phenomenal woman with special gifts. she must’ve been close to the One Up There to be able to cross dimensions and reach out to us.

i am glad that she reached out to me somehow. though i have more questions now than answers.  

honestly, i am guilty for not being able to attend her interment and pay final respects because i had to prioritize work than family life. i am guilty for not staying long during the wake, guilty for not being of service to her family. i am guilty for NOT feeling the loss, the pain and the morbidity. honestly, I DIDN’T CRY AND NEVER DID when she died, either that i am numbed or totally careless. either way, it doesn’t sound good.

on a sad note, perhaps i just miss her. and maybe, it is not about Aunt Lia but about ME. perhaps i need to go through the stages of loss right now to be able to move on. admittedly, she is a dear part of me, and n appendage is not easily forgotten. 

Mitch Albom reminded me again that:

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

i think i hugged Auntie Lia in my heart more today than i ever did in this lifetime…

Thoughts

pondering over these a few days ago…

your thoughts are very powerful. your thoughts affect your feelings and shape your future. one negative thought attracts all the negative energies in the universe. one positive thought cascade good things upon you like rain.

if you’re thinking of negative thoughts, try your best to turn it around the positive. look for the blessings in your life, look for the goodness in other people. think and feel the goodness one by one, proclaim gratitude and humble thanksgiving to the Great Provider.

search for the light in you, and keep that fire burning. teach yourself to manifest only good things ALWAYS.

 

Norman Vincent Peale said: ‘Change your thoughts and you change your world.’

 
 

 AMEN to that!

Wedding Dream

[this post was in my draft weeks ago… late post, but well worth remembering!]

i dreamt of getting married. AGAIN.

i dreamt of getting married with Luigi, my hubby, partner and friend.

and as surreal as the dream was, it was vivid and filled with all the frills and preparation expected on a wedding day. i recalled wearing a white wedding gown. Luigi was driving our new white car. and i was overall in charge of the garden wedding. yes, it was a garden wedding, alright.

but in the dream, i was so aware that we were married. yet, we are getting married again.

i remembered telling Luigi, with eyes half-opened, that i dreamt of getting married with him again. and i heard him say, ‘oh, that’s nice…’ almost in blurred words, then fell into a deep slumber afterwards. i too, fell asleep but the memory about my wedding dream remained intact.

pondering, i searched the net for answers and tried to connect the dream with my present state. Dreammoods enlightened me (paragraph 2, in pink font):

Wedding

To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. They reflect your issues about commitment and independence. Alternatively, your wedding dream refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Such dreams are often negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. If you dream that the wedding goes wrong or ends in disaster, then it suggests that there is more negativity that needs to be dealt with.

To dream that you are getting married to your current spouse again, represents your wedded bliss and happiness. It highlights your strong commitment to each other. It may also signify a new phase (such as parenthood) that you are entering in your life. 

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side. Two previously conflicting aspects are merging together as one.

   If you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of   organizing a wedding.  Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams.  Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly.

on wedded bliss 

yes, we’ve been through some rough spots and most of them were unimaginably critical. we’ve been through the 50-50 phase in ICU, hanging on a thread, thriving. we had to rely our future completely in God’s hands. 

we had to go through the flatline, to let go, and let God. we had to sever ourselves completely from what we were and what we have been. and part of us has to die to regain a new life. 

[on another note, this dream happened a few days after i junked my blogspot blog into the void.]

on a more personal perspective, Luigi and i never really thought of leaving even during the roughest times in our life. leaving is simply NOT an option.

i do not know his reason for holding on. but on my end, i didn’t think it was the best way regardless of our kids’ presence (though it is a substantial factor for sticking together). we stuck because we felt it was the right way to be: to stick until the end, to hold on and brave the storm together.

i look at wedded bliss with a different perspective.

of course, we still have ‘discussions‘ (i don’t like to call it ‘fights’) on certain aspect of the relationship and family life. we have discussions over some petty things or major ones. we discuss about how we manage our finances wrongly, we criticize each our flaws to a matured level. discussions and criticisms are part of the drama in marriage, as in any kind of relationship. it’s an  uncanny way of spicing up life a little bit. 

but there should always be a LIMIT. each party should have an internal warning device that automatically shuts off all unnecessary thoughts and feelings. unnecessary words are stifled, as are unnecessary actions.

also, space is very important. not just a few meters but more legroom for him/her to breathe and writhe into his/her own private space. this is an important process in regaining self-worth and self-confidence, and eventaually being able to give out love.  the cup has to be full to be able to give out.

and yes, the vision of growing old together works all the time! harmonious relationships are created with both hands full and sowing the same seeds of love, kindness, acceptance, understanding and trust. and more importantly, sowing TOGETHER.

weddings are commencement of new things and a lot more possibilities.

perhaps the dream is telling me to expect a brighter and more profound future with Luigi…