In Remission

i’m not good at quitting.

most of the times i regress.

only in times when i know i hit rock-bottom do i ever give up.

i am currently in remission. 

okay, so i accepted him back in my life.

i accepted him without qualms or second thought.

that was, perhaps, the essence of any relationship.

but forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. and he cannot expect me to forget that easily coz I WON’T.

that thought will probably haunt him forever. 

do i ever get tired?

God knows I DO. i am only human.

but running 11th in marriage, i wonder if there anything worse than this?

we’ve been through the WORST, and i mean the worst, and i had been the prime conspirator.

but he has forgiven me completely, and almost selflessly.

for us, this was just another cinder in white cloth which can be erased by any detergent anytime.

or was it? 

frankly i’m confused.

i wanted to hit him really hard, smack his face wildly, and give that joyful whack in the head.

i wanted to penalize him, curse him, lash him with hurtful deliberate words.

as if i will get even. and as if that will erase all the hurt.

oh, well… perhaps.

moving on…

i didn’t wanna pester my thoughts with negative things.

we’ll just take this as another one of those lessons learned throughout the course of the marriage.

and me, well, i’ll just push it under my sleeves, again, without regrets.

and trust? well, that will have to be delayed. he has to prove to me once again that he can be trusted.

and money? he has to find the swifest way to return the favor. or else…

and love? i think that is absolute and definite. as if i have a choice… 

this withdrawal symptoms really sucks…

Scars and Wounds

i’ve been really adamant with my text brigade to people in my phonebook, sending them words of wisdom almost everyday, or whenever i fee like it. if some quote or sentence amused me or made me realize a whole lotta things, i would send it via SMS.

i resolved that this is my opportunity to reach out to friends and share them my learnings about life. i feel that the lessons i am learning everyday should always be shared. who knows they might need them at this very instance? 

i started doing the text brigade when i had friends who were laid-off from work due to the economic crunch. i believe that thoughts and words are absolute factors for their present situation. what they thought a few months ago, cascaded to what is now. after all, life gives you what you offered life in the first place.

so yesterday, i sent this text message to some friends, including our AVP doctor. i didn’t exactly know why i sent it, but since it did ring a bell to me, i felt compelled to do so.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

~ Maya  Angelou

i received some thankful replies later on. but i didn’t realize that the more important recipient of the message was ME.

that night, hubb and i had a really massive fight that involved trust, honesty, integrity and more importantly money. i trusted him with a few thousands and he finds a really nice excuse to bust everything else we have built over long years of partnership. in a blink of an eye, everything that i worked hard for suddenly went poof! and yes, our relationship was once again crashed into broken pieces.

did i say i was crushed? ‘crushed’ or ‘broken‘ or ‘pained‘ is an understatement. i think Merriam and Webster has not yet defined the exact word for my feelings right i now. i feel betrayed, jilted, abused, exploited, insulted, manipulated, hurt, hurt, HURT…

times have changed i guess, and the funny thing was, we had the long arduous conversation via SMS. he said he cannot go home to face me; said he was shy, sorry and ‘face-less’.  and that’s why he just had to just text. 

all things taken, i realized that i had been too consenting of his every whim and wishes, even if it’s sometimes no longer right. in almost the entire stretch of our marriage, he’d put me into some kind of jeopardy towards money, with or without my knowledge and i ALWAYS forgive him.

we had a common belief that  ‘it’s just money, it’s no big deal!’  (in filipino, ‘pera lang yan, madaling kitain…’) and it sorta worked around for us for a while. but like some chronic illness, the issue keep on cropping up and coming back at us, and i always seem to be the victim and the biggest loser. yes, it was some sort of an emotional abuse. 

last night, i suddenly came to a point when i realized that the best solution to this problem is to QUIT. i had to quit on him to be able to get hold of myself. and the distance, the space, his non-presence in my life at this very moment gave me the drive to get on with my life WITHOUT HIM. i guess, i got too tired of it all.

i know my parents will not approve of it, coz in the early phase of our marriage when this issue first cropped up, Nanay said: ‘pasakop ka sa asawa mo… nasa bibliya yan…’  meaning, i have to forgive him, give him a second chance, accept him wholeheartedly, swallow my pride, eat my binge and go on with my life as if nothing happened???

i think i have done everything to save my relationship and my family, notwithstanding all the hurt i’ve been through in the past. and forgiveness? who am i not to forgive? i think the old adage of ‘pasakop…’ is outdated and no longer apply. (i’m not questioning the integrity of the bible but in my opinion, the Bible has a masochistic point of view.) i’ve forgiven him many times and the past (and i forgive him now, even without him asking for it) but i don’t think i’ll ever forget. the scars were countless and i had been wounded for the nth time already. you cannot just erase a scar. as for the fresh wound, it is annoyingly painful but with proper nurturing, the wound will heal in time.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, even if it means quitting and quitting hard. better to quit now while i have the energy, than be constantly abused at every opportunity. 

so, will it be better tomorrow?

Regina Brett, a 90-year old lady from The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio promised:

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

But don’t worry; God  never blinks.
 

please pray for me…

Bad Sister

i feel so guilty.  

i’ve been a BAD sister.

months ago, my eldest sister (we call her ‘Manang’) had been plagued with not just one misfortune. first, she was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. second, her company decided to cut costs and she was amongst those who were affected by the economic downturn. third, she was hospitalized last december due to mild stroke. and then last april, she was again hospitalized due to CVA infarct (also a form of stroke).

at present, she is jobless, taking medications and dependent on my parents’ support for survival. worse, she has a daughter (a single mom) who is still in primary school.

Nanay sought help from me when she was brought to the hospital to give financial assistance and assist her medical and personal needs. in situations such as these, i always feel obliged to help my siblings and other relatives. i believe that personal assistance matter more than financial help, and so i was always the one tapped to backstop sick people. 

and honestly, i sometimes get tired of backstopping, knowing my efforts are futile. i can only help them up to a certain point and they are responsible for the rest. most of what happened to them today were decisions that they had in the past, and life is bringing it back to them. i can only do so much.

in short, i did a lot of backlashing (coz, see i am fed up) and denied my sister some help. yes, your honor. i am guilty of the sin of OMMISSION. i think i violated a biblical rule for doing nothing when you ought to do something. 

to quote the bible, James 4:17 points out that:

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”

why do i feel guilty now?

i reviewed my sister’s emails when she was still working. she would send me inspirational and beautiful messages and wisdom about God and friendship, prayers for financial help, and a lot of nice stuff. she was reaching out to me by literally filling up my inbox with sweet words and messages. (and of course, i would seldom email back because our office are against forwarded emails.) i realized she does this almost every single day.

and then i recalled the many times she has helped me when i was still in school. she helped my parents in the finances when we were studying. she’d buy me school stuff at the start of the school year (remember Gregg shoes? she bought me one a long time ago…). she bought me clothes during my prom and graduation day. she was the one who brought me to my first movie where we watched the movie “Annie.” yes, i enjoyed the perks and privileges a youngest sibling could get from her eldest sister.

and i felt shame creep over me like wildfire.

how come i cannot help her now when she had been there for me all along? and how come i have been accommodating to my friends and not to my sister? and what right do i have to turn my face away when my sister needs me? how dare me???

imagine if God turns his face away from me the way i did to my sister…

“Whatever you did for the least of these, my Brethren, you did for Me.”

(Matthew 25:31-46)
 

whatever past she had, and whatever its effect on her life at the moment, i have no right to judge her. i have a choice to deny her but  in the end i know that it will deprive myself more than her. that’s how life really goes: you reap what you sow.

i’ve been a sinister sister.

but there is always room for change. 

i oughta plant more seeds of kindness…

Summer Highs

just wanna share you photos of our   summer 2009 escapades.

 dip in the nearest clubhouse pool!

 

First Honor

i gotta get this outta my chest…

I FEEL SO BLESSED!!!!

yesterday, our HR officer told me of my rank regarding our last performance appraisal. while we were graded based on our performance for the year by our immediate superiors, we were also ranked versus our colleagues on a per department basis. since there was only me and my assistant at the EXO department (supervisor and R & F respectively), we were ranked versus other confidential positions in the organization (i.e. HRA department).

and so on and so forth…

I GOT AN ‘A’.

simply put, i was the Top scorer in the brood.

i’m not asking for an applause. i just wanted to say that the people i am working with appreciate what i do for the organization. and that they are generous enough to commend me with a merit increase.

i am blessed to be part of the organization that appreciates my contribution to the company.

i am not actually gunning for promotion, but if they feel i am worthy, who am i to resist the blessing?

God is always GOOD!!!