Bad Sister

i feel so guilty.  

i’ve been a BAD sister.

months ago, my eldest sister (we call her ‘Manang’) had been plagued with not just one misfortune. first, she was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. second, her company decided to cut costs and she was amongst those who were affected by the economic downturn. third, she was hospitalized last december due to mild stroke. and then last april, she was again hospitalized due to CVA infarct (also a form of stroke).

at present, she is jobless, taking medications and dependent on my parents’ support for survival. worse, she has a daughter (a single mom) who is still in primary school.

Nanay sought help from me when she was brought to the hospital to give financial assistance and assist her medical and personal needs. in situations such as these, i always feel obliged to help my siblings and other relatives. i believe that personal assistance matter more than financial help, and so i was always the one tapped to backstop sick people. 

and honestly, i sometimes get tired of backstopping, knowing my efforts are futile. i can only help them up to a certain point and they are responsible for the rest. most of what happened to them today were decisions that they had in the past, and life is bringing it back to them. i can only do so much.

in short, i did a lot of backlashing (coz, see i am fed up) and denied my sister some help. yes, your honor. i am guilty of the sin of OMMISSION. i think i violated a biblical rule for doing nothing when you ought to do something. 

to quote the bible, James 4:17 points out that:

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”

why do i feel guilty now?

i reviewed my sister’s emails when she was still working. she would send me inspirational and beautiful messages and wisdom about God and friendship, prayers for financial help, and a lot of nice stuff. she was reaching out to me by literally filling up my inbox with sweet words and messages. (and of course, i would seldom email back because our office are against forwarded emails.) i realized she does this almost every single day.

and then i recalled the many times she has helped me when i was still in school. she helped my parents in the finances when we were studying. she’d buy me school stuff at the start of the school year (remember Gregg shoes? she bought me one a long time ago…). she bought me clothes during my prom and graduation day. she was the one who brought me to my first movie where we watched the movie “Annie.” yes, i enjoyed the perks and privileges a youngest sibling could get from her eldest sister.

and i felt shame creep over me like wildfire.

how come i cannot help her now when she had been there for me all along? and how come i have been accommodating to my friends and not to my sister? and what right do i have to turn my face away when my sister needs me? how dare me???

imagine if God turns his face away from me the way i did to my sister…

“Whatever you did for the least of these, my Brethren, you did for Me.”

(Matthew 25:31-46)
 

whatever past she had, and whatever its effect on her life at the moment, i have no right to judge her. i have a choice to deny her but  in the end i know that it will deprive myself more than her. that’s how life really goes: you reap what you sow.

i’ve been a sinister sister.

but there is always room for change. 

i oughta plant more seeds of kindness…