Scars and Wounds

i’ve been really adamant with my text brigade to people in my phonebook, sending them words of wisdom almost everyday, or whenever i fee like it. if some quote or sentence amused me or made me realize a whole lotta things, i would send it via SMS.

i resolved that this is my opportunity to reach out to friends and share them my learnings about life. i feel that the lessons i am learning everyday should always be shared. who knows they might need them at this very instance? 

i started doing the text brigade when i had friends who were laid-off from work due to the economic crunch. i believe that thoughts and words are absolute factors for their present situation. what they thought a few months ago, cascaded to what is now. after all, life gives you what you offered life in the first place.

so yesterday, i sent this text message to some friends, including our AVP doctor. i didn’t exactly know why i sent it, but since it did ring a bell to me, i felt compelled to do so.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

~ Maya  Angelou

i received some thankful replies later on. but i didn’t realize that the more important recipient of the message was ME.

that night, hubb and i had a really massive fight that involved trust, honesty, integrity and more importantly money. i trusted him with a few thousands and he finds a really nice excuse to bust everything else we have built over long years of partnership. in a blink of an eye, everything that i worked hard for suddenly went poof! and yes, our relationship was once again crashed into broken pieces.

did i say i was crushed? ‘crushed’ or ‘broken‘ or ‘pained‘ is an understatement. i think Merriam and Webster has not yet defined the exact word for my feelings right i now. i feel betrayed, jilted, abused, exploited, insulted, manipulated, hurt, hurt, HURT…

times have changed i guess, and the funny thing was, we had the long arduous conversation via SMS. he said he cannot go home to face me; said he was shy, sorry and ‘face-less’.  and that’s why he just had to just text. 

all things taken, i realized that i had been too consenting of his every whim and wishes, even if it’s sometimes no longer right. in almost the entire stretch of our marriage, he’d put me into some kind of jeopardy towards money, with or without my knowledge and i ALWAYS forgive him.

we had a common belief that  ‘it’s just money, it’s no big deal!’  (in filipino, ‘pera lang yan, madaling kitain…’) and it sorta worked around for us for a while. but like some chronic illness, the issue keep on cropping up and coming back at us, and i always seem to be the victim and the biggest loser. yes, it was some sort of an emotional abuse. 

last night, i suddenly came to a point when i realized that the best solution to this problem is to QUIT. i had to quit on him to be able to get hold of myself. and the distance, the space, his non-presence in my life at this very moment gave me the drive to get on with my life WITHOUT HIM. i guess, i got too tired of it all.

i know my parents will not approve of it, coz in the early phase of our marriage when this issue first cropped up, Nanay said: ‘pasakop ka sa asawa mo… nasa bibliya yan…’  meaning, i have to forgive him, give him a second chance, accept him wholeheartedly, swallow my pride, eat my binge and go on with my life as if nothing happened???

i think i have done everything to save my relationship and my family, notwithstanding all the hurt i’ve been through in the past. and forgiveness? who am i not to forgive? i think the old adage of ‘pasakop…’ is outdated and no longer apply. (i’m not questioning the integrity of the bible but in my opinion, the Bible has a masochistic point of view.) i’ve forgiven him many times and the past (and i forgive him now, even without him asking for it) but i don’t think i’ll ever forget. the scars were countless and i had been wounded for the nth time already. you cannot just erase a scar. as for the fresh wound, it is annoyingly painful but with proper nurturing, the wound will heal in time.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, even if it means quitting and quitting hard. better to quit now while i have the energy, than be constantly abused at every opportunity. 

so, will it be better tomorrow?

Regina Brett, a 90-year old lady from The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio promised:

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

But don’t worry; God  never blinks.
 

please pray for me…