~ Kahlil Gibran. Sand and Foam. 1926. ~
In Remission
June 22, 2009i’m not good at quitting.
most of the times i regress.
only in times when i know i hit rock-bottom do i ever give up.
i am currently in remission.
okay, so i accepted him back in my life.
i accepted him without qualms or second thought.
that was, perhaps, the essence of any relationship.
but forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. and he cannot expect me to forget that easily coz I WON’T.
that thought will probably haunt him forever.
do i ever get tired?
God knows I DO. i am only human.
but running 11th in marriage, i wonder if there anything worse than this?
we’ve been through the WORST, and i mean the worst, and i had been the prime conspirator.
but he has forgiven me completely, and almost selflessly.
for us, this was just another cinder in white cloth which can be erased by any detergent anytime.
or was it?
frankly i’m confused.
i wanted to hit him really hard, smack his face wildly, and give that joyful whack in the head.
i wanted to penalize him, curse him, lash him with hurtful deliberate words.
as if i will get even. and as if that will erase all the hurt.
oh, well… perhaps.
moving on…
i didn’t wanna pester my thoughts with negative things.
we’ll just take this as another one of those lessons learned throughout the course of the marriage.
and me, well, i’ll just push it under my sleeves, again, without regrets.
and trust? well, that will have to be delayed. he has to prove to me once again that he can be trusted.
and money? he has to find the swifest way to return the favor. or else…
and love? i think that is absolute and definite. as if i have a choice…
this withdrawal symptoms really sucks…
