Vulnerability

some call it  (or gestational-related) hormones.

i call it vulnerability.

last night, in the middle of sleeping time, i cried. poured my heart out to hubb about all the troubles and anxieties i feel. a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings unexpressed suddenly bursted out on me like a dormant firecracker.

i couldn’t say if it was because of a dream since i was sleeping already when hubb arrived late. i couldn’t say if i got irate when i was awaken from a deep slumber. all i know is that my subconscious infected the conscious that thoughts and feelings cascased on me like wildfire and all bottled up emotions suddenly shot up like geiser.

i just feel so tired lately. all the heavy load on my shoulders being the lone EXO staff, the long hours at work, the homework responsibility with the kids when i get home, the lack of socials and time for myself… everything frustrates me! i try to be superwoman at every opportunity, but i can’t. i really can’t be superhuman. 

burn-out, frustration, anxiety, failure— all the negative emotions get back at me too. of course, all these feelings heightened because of hormones.

nothing much excite me these days. not even this pregnancy thing. sorry for being callous and insensitive but that’s what i feel lately. everything seemed bland and tasteless and odorless and pale. i must be living in the mediocre.

i wonder where life’s zest is…? and i wonder why it evades me nowadays..?

Nostalgic Moments with Tita Cory

i had been wanting to write about Tita Cory, even before her imminent death and after all the royalties of her burial. i also wanted to have my share of thoughts and experiences about People Power. 

i think i am not good at history and i desist it when i was still studying. but as they say, history is a part of yourself and you are part of history. so allow me regress a little bit share to you my nostalgic moments about Tita Cory.

People Power

i was 11 years old (5th grade) when the Snap Elections of 1986 between Cory and Marcos was held. my very few recollections involved watching in national TV a few Namfrel personnel ‘walk-out’ in protest of election fraud. afterwards, events cascaded after another due to unrest and failure of trust for the Marcos leadership. that event probably triggered what history would call ‘a peaceful revolution’ or People Power I.

to my young mind, the EDSA revolution is not a thing to be alarmed of. in fact, it was a celebration of sort. Nanay and Tatay went to EDSA (i think on the 3rd day), not necessarily to support Tita Cory, but most probably to ‘uzi’ (the pinoy slang term for ‘usisero,’ meaning to snoop around) or just to get into the ambiance and the brouhaha of ‘a bloodless revolt.’  

and yes, like most Filipinos, they were there to snoop and snap! 

i also recalled a photo of Tatay and Nanay at EDSA posing in front of a huge military tank with soldiers during the 4-day vigil at EDSA. there were yellow ribbons strewn all over, and there were balloons somewhere in the background, and the entire assemblage was really joyous rather than anxious. how else can one get a really nice photograph of herself if she had been threatened or agitated? 

EDSA 1 was really something!

it was February 25, 1986 when President Marcos stepped down of his throne. the same night he left for Hawaii, our entire family trooped to Malacanang along with throngs of people who wanted to get a feel of what was happening. (our former house in Sampaloc, Manila is located near the Bustillos area, which is a few blocks away from Malacanang. we walked from the house all the way to Mendiola.)

though it was already late, the ambiance at Mendiola was extraordinarily joyous. suddenly, the definition of DEMOCRACY has taken a really nice turn for the Filipinos. to us, DEMOCRACY is not just a word, it has become a real intense feeling of something joyous with a cause to celebrate. our entire family went home extra happy that night, the feeling of victory and a certain sense of relief lingered for quite a while.

there’s no doubt that the 80’s color is YELLOW. and if PEACE had a color, then there can be no other color than YELLOW.

I Had Coffee With Cory!  

it was in my senior year when fate again struck me and my batchmates with good luck. Manila Science High School Batch ‘91 was invited to have lunch (and coffee!) with Tita Cory at Malacañang. 

(forgive my absurd memory, i do not quite recall the reason WHY we were invited to have lunch with Tita Cory at Malacañang… thankfully, my classmate and batchmate, Fred Castillo, supplied the answers through this blog. salamat, Fred!)

what i remembered vividly though is that i became part of the Senior Choir of Batch ‘91 that perfomed for Tita Cory that fateful day at Malacañang. we had rigorous practice prior to the event, as if in a competition. some of the songs we prepared were Psalm 23 (my fav’rite psalm!), Impossible Dream (of course!) and Love is the Answer (the song which should not have been sung after the President’s speech).

we had lunch in one of Malacañang’s grand ballroom which had the most awesome set of chandeliers i ever saw in my entire life. the chandeliers were made of the best kind of wood with quaint little rose carvings, very detailed and very Filipino. i also heard from someone that the chandeliers were crafted by the great Filipino artist, Fernando Amorsolo (unofficial report though).

i would always correlate Tita Cory with yellow so i was surprised that she wasn’t donned in her favorite color that day. she was very simple and we really appreciated her warmth and sincerity.

   (where the heck was i here?!)

thereafter, we were given ‘I Had Coffee with Cory’ yellow mugs as souvenirs, which was stolen from me (darn!) when i had to wait for a long queue at the ladies room. losing that precious mug was one of the greatest consternation in my young life. i had no yellow Cory mug to bring home, nothing to show off to my family and friends, and no keepsake to store in the family souvenier cabinet. 

so i was really quite happy that Fred was able to keep the souvenir and had it photographed! yay!

it wasn’t mine, but at least i can show my family that the yellow coffee mug from Tita Cory was real and not just a fragment of my imagination…

Tita Cory made us all PROUD! 

foremost, she made the Filipino people proud of her very presence in our lives. she showed us what DIGNITYand COURAGE meant, and that these 2 words are not mere adjectives, but that it can also be felt by the human heart and can triumph in a hopeless world. 

she made us realize the real meaning of DEMOCRACY, especially after her death. she made us known that democracy is dead without the real sense of self and dignity in words and action.

she taught us the value of SIMPLICITY, of living simply and choosing not to go by life’s complexities. and that it is not unpopular or stupid or obscure to be just that, simple.

she re-introduced God again in our lives and renewed our faith in the Divine Master. she taught us the power of prayer and that a little seed of faith can move mountains and stop military tanks! she always believed that whatever trouble or threshold we all are at, prayers and conversation with God will enlighten us and will show us the way.

no one will ever forget Tita Cory and the difference she made in the lives of every Filipino.

and especially in MY life…

heaven must be rejoicing now, and i bet Jesus was clasping her hands while whispering: ‘Job well done, Cory!’

(awwww… i think that was sweet!) 

Status Quo

Opportunities, like eggs, come one at a time.

— American Proverb

sometimes opportunity knocks at an odd time.  

and it distracts me so bad i sometimes feel that life is at its odd playing tricks on me. again. and again.

right, so i don’t have to feel bad?

let me share you the gist:

a month ago, a former colleague called me up, asking for my resume. she wanted me to apply as executive assistant for a multinational company which is her newfound office. the job level for this position is equivalent to assistant manager, of course attached with it are the perks and privileges of being AM. what’s really sweet in that offer was the educational allowance they are willing to give me (should i decide to pursue my graduate studies), including that of my dependents.

i was actually so thrilled my eyes would pop would excitement. i know i am PERFECT for the position (enough for modesty) because i worked hard with my craft and i honed my skills for excellence. i know that there could be no other person more perfect for the job than ME…

however, the evident downside of it all was my current condition. it suddenly dawned on me that some companies will NOT consider hiring a pregnant woman like me. the thought terribly stung my eyes, i almost cried out of distress and bitter regret. of course, of course… that would be a big ‘X’ mark on my resume.

okay, so life once again played a trick on me (as it always does…).

i will not deny my notable unrest these past few months regarding my job. not that i no longer love working or that i don’t love my work or my boss or colleagues. i just feel an unnecessary unrest due to so many factors affecting my life. and honestly, my jobstreet and jobsdb offers are almost always active and i’ve been throwing my resumes here and there, hoping to find a better alternative and a better offer of course. i think i’ve done exceptionally well in this organization and i deserve a little breathing and a promotion if so fate provide.

and then again, God has other plans for me (sorry if that line sounded more of a cliche to you now). though i know that not all my best laid plans happen, God already laid the perfect plan for me in secret. and that will base entirely on my decisions in the future.  

for now, i will just ponder on the better things in life, including the best laid future that God has planned for me. and work well, work with excellence in mind… and take each day a step at a time…

God must be telling me this time: ‘Trust me, status quo is better…’

and i just completely submit to the Higher Being who knows no boundaries when it comes to abundant blessings!