My ‘RED’ Valentine

Last Feb. 14, Valentine’s day, was unlike other v-day i had in my entire life.

The whole day was nothing but usual, as i was hooked at the laptop while doing Troe and Chloe’s projects which was due for passing the next day. I was also busy uploading pictures from my phone to the laptop, which annoyed me a little bit because of some glitches. It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday, 8 days after i gave birth to my 4th child.

At around 5pm, i went down the house to eat merienda (milo + pandesal). I was preparing for my afternoon sponge bath, which is usually around that time. I didn’t finish up my milo and proceeded with my shower. Everything was almost normal, except that when i tried to poop, there was a notable rush of blood. i didn’t feel any pain, except the usual feeling of having a very loose bowel, thereafter, spurts of blood would come out.

After the bath, i went upstairs to freshen up and to breastfeed my baby. But i was so surprised to feel another crunch in my tummy and there, another spurt of blood came out, this time, it fell on the floor. My children noticed the blood, said, ‘Mommy, me dugo…’ and i casually told them to get out of the room and go down. I know my boys were as shocked as i was but i tried to keep calm and initially just observed more of myself and current condition. I contacted my OB-Gyne, who was unable to attend to my call as she is hearing mass at that time. My eldest daughter, Chloe, stayed with me and when hubby learned of my condition, tried texting and calling my doctor.

I tried to stand up, but almost fainted. Everything suddenly spun around, my view went suddenly bleak, as if everything is in negative film. Luigi, my hubby, kept on telling me to hold on and breathe deeply and try hard not to faint. I tried my best not to lose consciousness. Even if i feel suddenly weak and powerless, i tried to focus on the necessities. I give simple instructions to hubb and Chloe on what to bring to the hospital. My doctor called back afterwards, and advised us to leave soonest for St. Clare for futher evaluation. Hubb and Chloe (my eldest daughter) swiftly dressed me up and packed all my stuff, with our little baby, and off we went.

We arrived a few minutes later at St. Clare, and i had stabilized already. There was minimal blood coming out from me then. My OB-gyne checked me to verify where the blood was coming from. Thereafter, she gave me a recommendation letter to Makati Medical Center for further observation and immediate attention. Upon further query, i told her that the fresh blood that came out of me would amount to 1 water dipper (tabo), which is not an exaggeration. And yes, it scares the hell out of me as well.

At Makati Med, i was given all the support and immediate attention. 2 IV’s were inserted on both arms since my BP already dropped to 80/50. Luigi said i was pale and ashen, and my feet seemed to have no blood at all. After i had stabilized, they run me a couple of tests and some more observations with the OB-gyne of MMC to verify the cause. But the immediate attention of blood transfusion was done to cure my hemoglobin deficiency, 3 bags of blood were transfused for my RBC to level up to normal. I was also subjected to CT scan of the whole abdomen to determine the potential source of bleeding from any of my internal organs. The result of the CT scan did not show any connection with my OB case, nor did they find out if it is GI bleeding. But i would still be subject to endoscopy weeks after to verify the real cause of the obscure bleeding. Till then, the final diagnosis will have to be shelved.


At the ER, while everything was passing by me and time is at a standstill, i valued these simple realizations about life and death and more…

-  That the line between life and death is so thin.
-  That i am not indispensible, like i thought.
-  That i need to breathe and live not for myself but for my kids.
-  That i need to get well and live well because of my kids.
-  That my kids need me and will need me at this time, hence, i cannot die. Not yet.
-  That life is so short and that it can be taken away from you anytime God wishes to.
-  That at the end of life, relationship is the most important part of life.
-  That your relationship with God is not a passport for you to get well.
-  That true friends may not be physically present but will still be active in some other way during rough times. You just tell them and they come running… that they can be prayer warriors as well.
-  That God’s conditions is at times confusing and painful, but you still have to trust Him no matter what.
-  That i cannot be too superwoman for everybody. And that i also have the right to bleed.


During those trial moments, i missed my kids so much and wished, even at that absurd moment, that they are present on my bedside. I missed even their bickerings and senseless petty fights. I just miss them so much that i keep on praying to God to make me well so i can be with them the soonest possible. Otherwise, i’ll die.

I realized how close i have been to death at that time. And no matter how ready i think i am facing death, fact is, I AM NOT. Death scares the hell of me and i cannot be too sure or to confident about life and its extension.

That probably was the worst feeling i had in this lifetime. It is true that at the verge of death, your whole life would just flash before your eyes, like a lengthy telenovela. And while watching your life pass by, you will realize that the things you thought you never regret were regretful, and the hurt you caused on other people were the worst episodes in your own movie.

What’s worse in that scenario is the feeling of helplessness, as if God has turned His back on me. I know that He didn’t (and never will), but at that time, i just felt that His hands were nowhere to be found and i was lying on my bed all alone, quivering at the thought of death. I dunno if it’s Him, but i guess it was more of me no longer feeling His closeness at heart. That thought actually made me so sad today. And that thought should seed my heart with the desire to be close to him once again.

It took me weeks to write this yet I still feel emotional everytime i remember my bittersweet valentine’s day at the ER. I am happy to be alive at this very moment and i’m grateful to God for another extension. Whatever lessons and realizations i had were treasured. This will be my handbook for the days to come.

To my friends who prayed, supported and stayed with me through the storm, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Special thanks to Fr. Ronnie Urbano (SDB) and Jay Suarez, who helped me find blood donors. Thanks to Ate Maris Rabago, who is my textmate and prayer warrior while i’m at the ER. Also thanks to Gen and Gene, who visited and stayed with me at the hospital. I hope to return the favor someday, guys…and if need be, i’m also willing to be a blood donor.

And of course praise God for the endless love and support that my family has showered me during those rough times. To my kids, who is the very reason for my holding on… and to Luigi, my hubby, partner and friend, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING THERE.