An Ode to the Wound Beneath my Old Bandage

i saw your name on ym.

i stare at it as if alive.

i sometimes feel it’s breathing on me…

and breaking me everyday.

sometimes i wish i could just honk on you.

and feel my presence once more.

and feel your presence once more. 

like we were before.

like the way we did.

like how we did it.

i wonder how it all went wrong?

and where i went wrong?

and what started it all.

and why you just felt cold.

i am feeling cold, alright.

sometimes missing you.

sometimes dreaming of you.

sometimes hating you.

sometimes loving you.

all those strong emotions carry me through.

and sometimes i feel dumb.

and numb. and scared.

and sorry. and sad.

and mad. and crazy.

i just miss you so.

‘you are wound beneath an old bandage.’

i heard Mitch Albom say over and over.

and it still hurts because the wound wouldn’t heal.

couldn’t heal.

because underneatha slab is still stuck inside me.

inside me.

so who’s forgiven?

who should be forgiven?

i do not remember if i asked to be forgiven.

or forgiveness in any sense.

perhaps i am proud. too proud.

but you were proud, too.

and that made all the difference.

you just shut me out.

and out of pride we had a fall out.

i wanted to reach out my hand in peace.

and build that bridge.

but i don’t have the strength. not yet.

in fact, i feel so weak and helpless.

holding out my hand weakens my soul.

but not holding it at all weakens both my heart and soul.

i am battling with time.

who can promise me the morrow?

i might not have time to apologize.

not have time for reprieve.

i need more prayers and strength of God.

to be able to achieve this.

the question of forgiveness…

the prayer for reprieve…

my heart is aching to reach out.

and my soul is arid for absolution.

i will seek my counsel and ask for help.

but i will keep on watching you.

laid back…

wishing i still have you.

my wound beneath an old bandage…

it still hurts.

Vulnerability

some call it  (or gestational-related) hormones.

i call it vulnerability.

last night, in the middle of sleeping time, i cried. poured my heart out to hubb about all the troubles and anxieties i feel. a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings unexpressed suddenly bursted out on me like a dormant firecracker.

i couldn’t say if it was because of a dream since i was sleeping already when hubb arrived late. i couldn’t say if i got irate when i was awaken from a deep slumber. all i know is that my subconscious infected the conscious that thoughts and feelings cascased on me like wildfire and all bottled up emotions suddenly shot up like geiser.

i just feel so tired lately. all the heavy load on my shoulders being the lone EXO staff, the long hours at work, the homework responsibility with the kids when i get home, the lack of socials and time for myself… everything frustrates me! i try to be superwoman at every opportunity, but i can’t. i really can’t be superhuman. 

burn-out, frustration, anxiety, failure— all the negative emotions get back at me too. of course, all these feelings heightened because of hormones.

nothing much excite me these days. not even this pregnancy thing. sorry for being callous and insensitive but that’s what i feel lately. everything seemed bland and tasteless and odorless and pale. i must be living in the mediocre.

i wonder where life’s zest is…? and i wonder why it evades me nowadays..?

In Remission

i’m not good at quitting.

most of the times i regress.

only in times when i know i hit rock-bottom do i ever give up.

i am currently in remission. 

okay, so i accepted him back in my life.

i accepted him without qualms or second thought.

that was, perhaps, the essence of any relationship.

but forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. and he cannot expect me to forget that easily coz I WON’T.

that thought will probably haunt him forever. 

do i ever get tired?

God knows I DO. i am only human.

but running 11th in marriage, i wonder if there anything worse than this?

we’ve been through the WORST, and i mean the worst, and i had been the prime conspirator.

but he has forgiven me completely, and almost selflessly.

for us, this was just another cinder in white cloth which can be erased by any detergent anytime.

or was it? 

frankly i’m confused.

i wanted to hit him really hard, smack his face wildly, and give that joyful whack in the head.

i wanted to penalize him, curse him, lash him with hurtful deliberate words.

as if i will get even. and as if that will erase all the hurt.

oh, well… perhaps.

moving on…

i didn’t wanna pester my thoughts with negative things.

we’ll just take this as another one of those lessons learned throughout the course of the marriage.

and me, well, i’ll just push it under my sleeves, again, without regrets.

and trust? well, that will have to be delayed. he has to prove to me once again that he can be trusted.

and money? he has to find the swifest way to return the favor. or else…

and love? i think that is absolute and definite. as if i have a choice… 

this withdrawal symptoms really sucks…

Scars and Wounds

i’ve been really adamant with my text brigade to people in my phonebook, sending them words of wisdom almost everyday, or whenever i fee like it. if some quote or sentence amused me or made me realize a whole lotta things, i would send it via SMS.

i resolved that this is my opportunity to reach out to friends and share them my learnings about life. i feel that the lessons i am learning everyday should always be shared. who knows they might need them at this very instance? 

i started doing the text brigade when i had friends who were laid-off from work due to the economic crunch. i believe that thoughts and words are absolute factors for their present situation. what they thought a few months ago, cascaded to what is now. after all, life gives you what you offered life in the first place.

so yesterday, i sent this text message to some friends, including our AVP doctor. i didn’t exactly know why i sent it, but since it did ring a bell to me, i felt compelled to do so.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

~ Maya  Angelou

i received some thankful replies later on. but i didn’t realize that the more important recipient of the message was ME.

that night, hubb and i had a really massive fight that involved trust, honesty, integrity and more importantly money. i trusted him with a few thousands and he finds a really nice excuse to bust everything else we have built over long years of partnership. in a blink of an eye, everything that i worked hard for suddenly went poof! and yes, our relationship was once again crashed into broken pieces.

did i say i was crushed? ‘crushed’ or ‘broken‘ or ‘pained‘ is an understatement. i think Merriam and Webster has not yet defined the exact word for my feelings right i now. i feel betrayed, jilted, abused, exploited, insulted, manipulated, hurt, hurt, HURT…

times have changed i guess, and the funny thing was, we had the long arduous conversation via SMS. he said he cannot go home to face me; said he was shy, sorry and ‘face-less’.  and that’s why he just had to just text. 

all things taken, i realized that i had been too consenting of his every whim and wishes, even if it’s sometimes no longer right. in almost the entire stretch of our marriage, he’d put me into some kind of jeopardy towards money, with or without my knowledge and i ALWAYS forgive him.

we had a common belief that  ‘it’s just money, it’s no big deal!’  (in filipino, ‘pera lang yan, madaling kitain…’) and it sorta worked around for us for a while. but like some chronic illness, the issue keep on cropping up and coming back at us, and i always seem to be the victim and the biggest loser. yes, it was some sort of an emotional abuse. 

last night, i suddenly came to a point when i realized that the best solution to this problem is to QUIT. i had to quit on him to be able to get hold of myself. and the distance, the space, his non-presence in my life at this very moment gave me the drive to get on with my life WITHOUT HIM. i guess, i got too tired of it all.

i know my parents will not approve of it, coz in the early phase of our marriage when this issue first cropped up, Nanay said: ‘pasakop ka sa asawa mo… nasa bibliya yan…’  meaning, i have to forgive him, give him a second chance, accept him wholeheartedly, swallow my pride, eat my binge and go on with my life as if nothing happened???

i think i have done everything to save my relationship and my family, notwithstanding all the hurt i’ve been through in the past. and forgiveness? who am i not to forgive? i think the old adage of ‘pasakop…’ is outdated and no longer apply. (i’m not questioning the integrity of the bible but in my opinion, the Bible has a masochistic point of view.) i’ve forgiven him many times and the past (and i forgive him now, even without him asking for it) but i don’t think i’ll ever forget. the scars were countless and i had been wounded for the nth time already. you cannot just erase a scar. as for the fresh wound, it is annoyingly painful but with proper nurturing, the wound will heal in time.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, even if it means quitting and quitting hard. better to quit now while i have the energy, than be constantly abused at every opportunity. 

so, will it be better tomorrow?

Regina Brett, a 90-year old lady from The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio promised:

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

But don’t worry; God  never blinks.
 

please pray for me…

Needy

i have a confession to make: i’ve been needy lately.

it’s a certrain neediness that’s a little off the hook, it cracks every individual i get across with.

signs include: intolerance to certain situations, frustration, impatience, and at times, hostility. 

 
(more…)

Some days…

i can’t say i’m fine today. it definitely wasn’t my day.

foremost, my itchy throat is bothering me. not only was it itchy, it also had a slight burning sensation inside. second, my lone staff (my assistant) is even bossier than me.  my boss however, is hankering for attention and piqued at my patience a little bit. and well, some other people are just grappling in the workplace and wants a taste of my nerve, er, talent.  

so what if i’m pissed off?! today isn’t the best day in the world…

i am thinking a lot of crazy things lately. i am still at a loss. i could use a really nice restful sleep. i hope tonight.

btw, a few more items and i’m done with the budget projection for EXO. on a positive note, my other boss helped me out with the budget, like he did last year. he had been cool and focused despite endless meetings with the executives and pressure from not just one aspect of his workload. he still managed to lift up my spirits a little bit. just a little bit.

i hope that this is just hormones. or the stars. but i am hoping this pissed-off feeling will linger only at the office atmosphere. hoping to brush off this feeling and move on a little bit on the upbeat scale.

disintegrated– probabale cause of the pissed-off feeling:

• itchy-burning feeling in the throat
• still sickly (not 100% okay)
• worried about the financials
• burnout
• workload
• work without fun is exhausting
• a lot of things
• keep the car earning!
• boss’ rants
• assistant being an ASS-istant
• where’s my sunshine?

Song in my heart at the moment:

             BETTER IN TIME  by Leona Lewis 

yep, hope to get better tonight.

glad that tomorrow is a new day…