An Ode to the Wound Beneath my Old Bandage

i saw your name on ym.

i stare at it as if alive.

i sometimes feel it’s breathing on me…

and breaking me everyday.

sometimes i wish i could just honk on you.

and feel my presence once more.

and feel your presence once more. 

like we were before.

like the way we did.

like how we did it.

i wonder how it all went wrong?

and where i went wrong?

and what started it all.

and why you just felt cold.

i am feeling cold, alright.

sometimes missing you.

sometimes dreaming of you.

sometimes hating you.

sometimes loving you.

all those strong emotions carry me through.

and sometimes i feel dumb.

and numb. and scared.

and sorry. and sad.

and mad. and crazy.

i just miss you so.

‘you are wound beneath an old bandage.’

i heard Mitch Albom say over and over.

and it still hurts because the wound wouldn’t heal.

couldn’t heal.

because underneatha slab is still stuck inside me.

inside me.

so who’s forgiven?

who should be forgiven?

i do not remember if i asked to be forgiven.

or forgiveness in any sense.

perhaps i am proud. too proud.

but you were proud, too.

and that made all the difference.

you just shut me out.

and out of pride we had a fall out.

i wanted to reach out my hand in peace.

and build that bridge.

but i don’t have the strength. not yet.

in fact, i feel so weak and helpless.

holding out my hand weakens my soul.

but not holding it at all weakens both my heart and soul.

i am battling with time.

who can promise me the morrow?

i might not have time to apologize.

not have time for reprieve.

i need more prayers and strength of God.

to be able to achieve this.

the question of forgiveness…

the prayer for reprieve…

my heart is aching to reach out.

and my soul is arid for absolution.

i will seek my counsel and ask for help.

but i will keep on watching you.

laid back…

wishing i still have you.

my wound beneath an old bandage…

it still hurts.

Victim

we’re one of those who were victims of Ondoy’s wrath.

that fateful day was like any other rainy saturdays in our lives: woke up late as usual on a saturday… cooked pork sinigang and had ‘brunch’ instead of the usual breakfast and lunch serving… watched tv and bonded with the kids… it was the perfect picture of a blissful ‘bed weather.’

all things were under control until we felt the water rising at a little past 12. it started rising steadfastly up to hip level inside the house, which was even worse outside and at the main street. good thing, hubb and father-in-law was home that fateful saturday to do the lifting and saving and prevent ominous things to happen by turning off the circuit breaker right away (our area was spared by Meralco brownout that day so we might be electricuted if the CB was not turned off). and gladly, our house had second floor (our sanctuary), and we had only a few important (electrical) stuff that needs to be transported up the second floor.

alas, the car, which was nestling at the parking space, was not spared from Ondoy’s wrath. water filled up to steering wheel level, hence, the seats were flooded as well. the fill-up happened only within a few minutes, and subsided right away. but the damage it caused for that few precious minutes was enough to cause havoc in our financial state. of course, fixing the car entails a few thousand cash, and we cannot help but feel nauseous and sad about our fate (especially hubb who loves the car for the world). yes, our car insurance did not have the AOG (’acts of god’) provision, which could have been the best security if we had known how important it is from the beginning. 

though there were obvious mishaps, there were things to be grateful for.

first, the typhoon happened at noontime on a saturday and everyone was home.  

second, we already had brunch when the water filled up the house. a lot of our neighbors were surprised and had lunch only when the water subsided at around 3-4PM.

third, hubb and father-in-law was at the house which had the prompt sense of what’s going on and what else could happen during that time. (if i’d been the only adult at home, i would’ve freaked out heavily.)

fourth,  though water was high, it stayed for only a few minutes and subsided right away. this means less health-risk, pressure and eww-ness on our part.

fifth, we spared almost every electrical items in the house, except for my 2 precious washing machines and dryers (one i owned, and one was a hand-me-down from Nanay).

sixth, the car is of manual type and not running when the flood came, hence, the mechanical parts were spared. the electricals had few mishaps which was fixed right away by the car electrical guru in our place. the next day, hubb was able to drive and send it off to Nissan Mantrade for nspection and scrutiny. it’s working perfectly now, except for the car stereo, which will be fixed once the car guru finds time again.

all things considered, we were far better off than the nameless souls we have seen in national tv. their losses involved not just material things but far worse, the lives of their loved ones, including a broken spirit.

life goes on…

every individual has had a certain tragedy in their lives, depending on the nature and causes. like love, tragedy cannot be helped; it is a given and imposed… much as we’d like to understand why, the more we cannot because life is a great big puzzle. some are spared not necessarily because of faith, but because each of us carry a unique cross which we must bear. for some even, not bearing a particular cross is in itself a tragedy.

what’s absolute is that tragedies reveal a person’s moral fiber. in the light, it may not be as evident but in darkness and gloom, some great characters are borne to perfection, while others simply just fade away. good or bad, tragedies expose an individual’s absolute temperament in the worst kinds of situation.

moral lessons…

worse, i hear mother nature’s wail with every single beating we give her: quarrying, tree-cutting, reclaiming bodies of water, dumping of garbage, and a lot more. mother nature is starting to give us rough spanking year in and year out as natural calamities become worse each and every year. mother nature is getting tired of our selfishness, abuse and utter disregard for her gifts. unless we stop and purposefully do something about mother nature’s health, she will continuously scourge us to the pits. 

the cliche is: THERE IS NO BETTER TIME TO ACT THAN NOW.

sadly, i still have no idea where to start…

Vulnerability

some call it  (or gestational-related) hormones.

i call it vulnerability.

last night, in the middle of sleeping time, i cried. poured my heart out to hubb about all the troubles and anxieties i feel. a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings unexpressed suddenly bursted out on me like a dormant firecracker.

i couldn’t say if it was because of a dream since i was sleeping already when hubb arrived late. i couldn’t say if i got irate when i was awaken from a deep slumber. all i know is that my subconscious infected the conscious that thoughts and feelings cascased on me like wildfire and all bottled up emotions suddenly shot up like geiser.

i just feel so tired lately. all the heavy load on my shoulders being the lone EXO staff, the long hours at work, the homework responsibility with the kids when i get home, the lack of socials and time for myself… everything frustrates me! i try to be superwoman at every opportunity, but i can’t. i really can’t be superhuman. 

burn-out, frustration, anxiety, failure— all the negative emotions get back at me too. of course, all these feelings heightened because of hormones.

nothing much excite me these days. not even this pregnancy thing. sorry for being callous and insensitive but that’s what i feel lately. everything seemed bland and tasteless and odorless and pale. i must be living in the mediocre.

i wonder where life’s zest is…? and i wonder why it evades me nowadays..?

Scars and Wounds

i’ve been really adamant with my text brigade to people in my phonebook, sending them words of wisdom almost everyday, or whenever i fee like it. if some quote or sentence amused me or made me realize a whole lotta things, i would send it via SMS.

i resolved that this is my opportunity to reach out to friends and share them my learnings about life. i feel that the lessons i am learning everyday should always be shared. who knows they might need them at this very instance? 

i started doing the text brigade when i had friends who were laid-off from work due to the economic crunch. i believe that thoughts and words are absolute factors for their present situation. what they thought a few months ago, cascaded to what is now. after all, life gives you what you offered life in the first place.

so yesterday, i sent this text message to some friends, including our AVP doctor. i didn’t exactly know why i sent it, but since it did ring a bell to me, i felt compelled to do so.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

~ Maya  Angelou

i received some thankful replies later on. but i didn’t realize that the more important recipient of the message was ME.

that night, hubb and i had a really massive fight that involved trust, honesty, integrity and more importantly money. i trusted him with a few thousands and he finds a really nice excuse to bust everything else we have built over long years of partnership. in a blink of an eye, everything that i worked hard for suddenly went poof! and yes, our relationship was once again crashed into broken pieces.

did i say i was crushed? ‘crushed’ or ‘broken‘ or ‘pained‘ is an understatement. i think Merriam and Webster has not yet defined the exact word for my feelings right i now. i feel betrayed, jilted, abused, exploited, insulted, manipulated, hurt, hurt, HURT…

times have changed i guess, and the funny thing was, we had the long arduous conversation via SMS. he said he cannot go home to face me; said he was shy, sorry and ‘face-less’.  and that’s why he just had to just text. 

all things taken, i realized that i had been too consenting of his every whim and wishes, even if it’s sometimes no longer right. in almost the entire stretch of our marriage, he’d put me into some kind of jeopardy towards money, with or without my knowledge and i ALWAYS forgive him.

we had a common belief that  ‘it’s just money, it’s no big deal!’  (in filipino, ‘pera lang yan, madaling kitain…’) and it sorta worked around for us for a while. but like some chronic illness, the issue keep on cropping up and coming back at us, and i always seem to be the victim and the biggest loser. yes, it was some sort of an emotional abuse. 

last night, i suddenly came to a point when i realized that the best solution to this problem is to QUIT. i had to quit on him to be able to get hold of myself. and the distance, the space, his non-presence in my life at this very moment gave me the drive to get on with my life WITHOUT HIM. i guess, i got too tired of it all.

i know my parents will not approve of it, coz in the early phase of our marriage when this issue first cropped up, Nanay said: ‘pasakop ka sa asawa mo… nasa bibliya yan…’  meaning, i have to forgive him, give him a second chance, accept him wholeheartedly, swallow my pride, eat my binge and go on with my life as if nothing happened???

i think i have done everything to save my relationship and my family, notwithstanding all the hurt i’ve been through in the past. and forgiveness? who am i not to forgive? i think the old adage of ‘pasakop…’ is outdated and no longer apply. (i’m not questioning the integrity of the bible but in my opinion, the Bible has a masochistic point of view.) i’ve forgiven him many times and the past (and i forgive him now, even without him asking for it) but i don’t think i’ll ever forget. the scars were countless and i had been wounded for the nth time already. you cannot just erase a scar. as for the fresh wound, it is annoyingly painful but with proper nurturing, the wound will heal in time.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, even if it means quitting and quitting hard. better to quit now while i have the energy, than be constantly abused at every opportunity. 

so, will it be better tomorrow?

Regina Brett, a 90-year old lady from The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio promised:

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

But don’t worry; God  never blinks.
 

please pray for me…

Lenten Reflection (part 1)

lenten calendar CHALLENGE and REFLECTION: 

MARCH 17, Tues -  Look for evidence of God at work in your life today.

 

this was yesterday. but i appreciated its value only today. i looked back at yesterday and felt that i had focused my energy on the ‘less’ than the ‘more’; on the things i dont have, rather than the evidences of God’s good work for my life.

(more…)

Some Hang-ups

i dunno how one can be too careless???

with the rising cost of living and everyone is tightening their ropes, can you imagine someone losing a thousand bucks, still steaming out of an ATM machine???!!! and ‘SORRY’ is the one pathetic word you can say??!!!

one can only be too dumb.

a thousand bucks is still a thousand bucks. no amount of explanation can cover up for the lost hard-earned money.

sigh.

SIGH.

(super) sigh…