My ‘RED’ Valentine

Last Feb. 14, Valentine’s day, was unlike other v-day i had in my entire life.

The whole day was nothing but usual, as i was hooked at the laptop while doing Troe and Chloe’s projects which was due for passing the next day. I was also busy uploading pictures from my phone to the laptop, which annoyed me a little bit because of some glitches. It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday, 8 days after i gave birth to my 4th child.

At around 5pm, i went down the house to eat merienda (milo + pandesal). I was preparing for my afternoon sponge bath, which is usually around that time. I didn’t finish up my milo and proceeded with my shower. Everything was almost normal, except that when i tried to poop, there was a notable rush of blood. i didn’t feel any pain, except the usual feeling of having a very loose bowel, thereafter, spurts of blood would come out.

After the bath, i went upstairs to freshen up and to breastfeed my baby. But i was so surprised to feel another crunch in my tummy and there, another spurt of blood came out, this time, it fell on the floor. My children noticed the blood, said, ‘Mommy, me dugo…’ and i casually told them to get out of the room and go down. I know my boys were as shocked as i was but i tried to keep calm and initially just observed more of myself and current condition. I contacted my OB-Gyne, who was unable to attend to my call as she is hearing mass at that time. My eldest daughter, Chloe, stayed with me and when hubby learned of my condition, tried texting and calling my doctor.

I tried to stand up, but almost fainted. Everything suddenly spun around, my view went suddenly bleak, as if everything is in negative film. Luigi, my hubby, kept on telling me to hold on and breathe deeply and try hard not to faint. I tried my best not to lose consciousness. Even if i feel suddenly weak and powerless, i tried to focus on the necessities. I give simple instructions to hubb and Chloe on what to bring to the hospital. My doctor called back afterwards, and advised us to leave soonest for St. Clare for futher evaluation. Hubb and Chloe (my eldest daughter) swiftly dressed me up and packed all my stuff, with our little baby, and off we went.

We arrived a few minutes later at St. Clare, and i had stabilized already. There was minimal blood coming out from me then. My OB-gyne checked me to verify where the blood was coming from. Thereafter, she gave me a recommendation letter to Makati Medical Center for further observation and immediate attention. Upon further query, i told her that the fresh blood that came out of me would amount to 1 water dipper (tabo), which is not an exaggeration. And yes, it scares the hell out of me as well.

At Makati Med, i was given all the support and immediate attention. 2 IV’s were inserted on both arms since my BP already dropped to 80/50. Luigi said i was pale and ashen, and my feet seemed to have no blood at all. After i had stabilized, they run me a couple of tests and some more observations with the OB-gyne of MMC to verify the cause. But the immediate attention of blood transfusion was done to cure my hemoglobin deficiency, 3 bags of blood were transfused for my RBC to level up to normal. I was also subjected to CT scan of the whole abdomen to determine the potential source of bleeding from any of my internal organs. The result of the CT scan did not show any connection with my OB case, nor did they find out if it is GI bleeding. But i would still be subject to endoscopy weeks after to verify the real cause of the obscure bleeding. Till then, the final diagnosis will have to be shelved.


At the ER, while everything was passing by me and time is at a standstill, i valued these simple realizations about life and death and more…

-  That the line between life and death is so thin.
-  That i am not indispensible, like i thought.
-  That i need to breathe and live not for myself but for my kids.
-  That i need to get well and live well because of my kids.
-  That my kids need me and will need me at this time, hence, i cannot die. Not yet.
-  That life is so short and that it can be taken away from you anytime God wishes to.
-  That at the end of life, relationship is the most important part of life.
-  That your relationship with God is not a passport for you to get well.
-  That true friends may not be physically present but will still be active in some other way during rough times. You just tell them and they come running… that they can be prayer warriors as well.
-  That God’s conditions is at times confusing and painful, but you still have to trust Him no matter what.
-  That i cannot be too superwoman for everybody. And that i also have the right to bleed.


During those trial moments, i missed my kids so much and wished, even at that absurd moment, that they are present on my bedside. I missed even their bickerings and senseless petty fights. I just miss them so much that i keep on praying to God to make me well so i can be with them the soonest possible. Otherwise, i’ll die.

I realized how close i have been to death at that time. And no matter how ready i think i am facing death, fact is, I AM NOT. Death scares the hell of me and i cannot be too sure or to confident about life and its extension.

That probably was the worst feeling i had in this lifetime. It is true that at the verge of death, your whole life would just flash before your eyes, like a lengthy telenovela. And while watching your life pass by, you will realize that the things you thought you never regret were regretful, and the hurt you caused on other people were the worst episodes in your own movie.

What’s worse in that scenario is the feeling of helplessness, as if God has turned His back on me. I know that He didn’t (and never will), but at that time, i just felt that His hands were nowhere to be found and i was lying on my bed all alone, quivering at the thought of death. I dunno if it’s Him, but i guess it was more of me no longer feeling His closeness at heart. That thought actually made me so sad today. And that thought should seed my heart with the desire to be close to him once again.

It took me weeks to write this yet I still feel emotional everytime i remember my bittersweet valentine’s day at the ER. I am happy to be alive at this very moment and i’m grateful to God for another extension. Whatever lessons and realizations i had were treasured. This will be my handbook for the days to come.

To my friends who prayed, supported and stayed with me through the storm, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Special thanks to Fr. Ronnie Urbano (SDB) and Jay Suarez, who helped me find blood donors. Thanks to Ate Maris Rabago, who is my textmate and prayer warrior while i’m at the ER. Also thanks to Gen and Gene, who visited and stayed with me at the hospital. I hope to return the favor someday, guys…and if need be, i’m also willing to be a blood donor.

And of course praise God for the endless love and support that my family has showered me during those rough times. To my kids, who is the very reason for my holding on… and to Luigi, my hubby, partner and friend, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING THERE.

Vulnerability

some call it  (or gestational-related) hormones.

i call it vulnerability.

last night, in the middle of sleeping time, i cried. poured my heart out to hubb about all the troubles and anxieties i feel. a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings unexpressed suddenly bursted out on me like a dormant firecracker.

i couldn’t say if it was because of a dream since i was sleeping already when hubb arrived late. i couldn’t say if i got irate when i was awaken from a deep slumber. all i know is that my subconscious infected the conscious that thoughts and feelings cascased on me like wildfire and all bottled up emotions suddenly shot up like geiser.

i just feel so tired lately. all the heavy load on my shoulders being the lone EXO staff, the long hours at work, the homework responsibility with the kids when i get home, the lack of socials and time for myself… everything frustrates me! i try to be superwoman at every opportunity, but i can’t. i really can’t be superhuman. 

burn-out, frustration, anxiety, failure— all the negative emotions get back at me too. of course, all these feelings heightened because of hormones.

nothing much excite me these days. not even this pregnancy thing. sorry for being callous and insensitive but that’s what i feel lately. everything seemed bland and tasteless and odorless and pale. i must be living in the mediocre.

i wonder where life’s zest is…? and i wonder why it evades me nowadays..?

Status Quo

Opportunities, like eggs, come one at a time.

— American Proverb

sometimes opportunity knocks at an odd time.  

and it distracts me so bad i sometimes feel that life is at its odd playing tricks on me. again. and again.

right, so i don’t have to feel bad?

let me share you the gist:

a month ago, a former colleague called me up, asking for my resume. she wanted me to apply as executive assistant for a multinational company which is her newfound office. the job level for this position is equivalent to assistant manager, of course attached with it are the perks and privileges of being AM. what’s really sweet in that offer was the educational allowance they are willing to give me (should i decide to pursue my graduate studies), including that of my dependents.

i was actually so thrilled my eyes would pop would excitement. i know i am PERFECT for the position (enough for modesty) because i worked hard with my craft and i honed my skills for excellence. i know that there could be no other person more perfect for the job than ME…

however, the evident downside of it all was my current condition. it suddenly dawned on me that some companies will NOT consider hiring a pregnant woman like me. the thought terribly stung my eyes, i almost cried out of distress and bitter regret. of course, of course… that would be a big ‘X’ mark on my resume.

okay, so life once again played a trick on me (as it always does…).

i will not deny my notable unrest these past few months regarding my job. not that i no longer love working or that i don’t love my work or my boss or colleagues. i just feel an unnecessary unrest due to so many factors affecting my life. and honestly, my jobstreet and jobsdb offers are almost always active and i’ve been throwing my resumes here and there, hoping to find a better alternative and a better offer of course. i think i’ve done exceptionally well in this organization and i deserve a little breathing and a promotion if so fate provide.

and then again, God has other plans for me (sorry if that line sounded more of a cliche to you now). though i know that not all my best laid plans happen, God already laid the perfect plan for me in secret. and that will base entirely on my decisions in the future.  

for now, i will just ponder on the better things in life, including the best laid future that God has planned for me. and work well, work with excellence in mind… and take each day a step at a time…

God must be telling me this time: ‘Trust me, status quo is better…’

and i just completely submit to the Higher Being who knows no boundaries when it comes to abundant blessings!

Just Some Thoughts…

sorry again for the long lull…

i have been logging into this blog and creating posts but i can’t seem to find the time to finish them. all of the thoughts i have written would be a waste if i’ll just delete them. 

so, here…  snippets of thoughts i had for the past few months, hoping to finally make you understand what is going on inside me.  

written 2009-06-01 @15:14:00

tell me of misery. of sadness. of warfare and desolation.

tell me of times where there is no life. where nothing important matters to who you really are.

not even success. or wealth. or knowledge. 

misery completes the picture.  

 

the person that you really are do not set you apart from your misery.

[whatever the feelings  i had on this day reflects a rather gloomy perspective. gladly, it’s just the rush…]

o ~ 0 ~ o

written 2009-06-03 @12:16:00

i’m still crazy about going back to school.

but i can’t seem the find the time or energy or the hard push to get there or to get moving.

 

i am at a threshold asking whether i ‘want’ to or i ‘need’ to.  want is something superficial, like gushing for that candy. need is something deeper, as in one cannot live without it. at present, i’m at the stage where i am in deep want of something to disturb my mediocre corporate life. i want something to excite me, and going back to school will really speed me up.

  

either way, it will benefit me entirely.  

[this post was weeks before i learned i am pregnant…]

o ~ 0 ~ o

2009-07-31 13:28:00

i just sooo L-O-V-E my kids!!!

 

they are growing up so fast and growing up to be good-natured and cool kids. though they still have their unique naughty notions, one cannot discount the fact that their genes were strewn out of mine. we share the same smile, laughter, funny faces. and we love making fun of ourselves without getting too emotional or onion-skinned. they loved laughing loudly and laughing their hearts out.

they aren’t afraid to show their weaknesses, not afraid to be caught in an uncompromising position because of their actions. they aren’t afraid to show their feelings at me and towards me. and yes, they can be subversive sometimes,  but that is probably my trait and they got it from me.

they make me feel loved all the time. they love to hug me so tight and kiss me like babies (even if they are all too grown up now to kiss their mom like babies!). they are expressive in sharing their thoughts and feelings at me because i encourage them to speak up about what they feel. for example, i tell them: ‘tell me what you feel coz i am not a fortune-teller and i hate guessing games.’

o ~ 0 ~ o

2009-08-04 13:14:00

this pregnancy thing is really peculiar.

 

i had my 3 kids born consecutively almost every year and rarely felt any peculiarities and cravings on the first quarter of pregnancy. but this one is notably annoying.

foremost, my mornings are dependent on her (let’s assume she’s a she…). either that i’d roll out of bed gracefully or i’d roll out of it bummed. either that i have a terrible headahe or that i am heady and geared completely.

i hate all kinds of BAD smell! i don’t like eating the food i cooked and would rather eat out and buy fastfood. 

i am  crazy about japanese food especially sashimi in kikoman and wasabe! i crave for it almost everyday. most days, FRUITS are my companion especially watermelons! 

 

[yes, the peculiar feeling is still going on inside me like ‘first time’. sometimes, i feel like such a bum… but then again, i feel that i have a rather glowing aura, which some deduce as a certain ‘coming of age in pregnancy’ which to me is a positive thing… ] 

In Remission

i’m not good at quitting.

most of the times i regress.

only in times when i know i hit rock-bottom do i ever give up.

i am currently in remission. 

okay, so i accepted him back in my life.

i accepted him without qualms or second thought.

that was, perhaps, the essence of any relationship.

but forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. and he cannot expect me to forget that easily coz I WON’T.

that thought will probably haunt him forever. 

do i ever get tired?

God knows I DO. i am only human.

but running 11th in marriage, i wonder if there anything worse than this?

we’ve been through the WORST, and i mean the worst, and i had been the prime conspirator.

but he has forgiven me completely, and almost selflessly.

for us, this was just another cinder in white cloth which can be erased by any detergent anytime.

or was it? 

frankly i’m confused.

i wanted to hit him really hard, smack his face wildly, and give that joyful whack in the head.

i wanted to penalize him, curse him, lash him with hurtful deliberate words.

as if i will get even. and as if that will erase all the hurt.

oh, well… perhaps.

moving on…

i didn’t wanna pester my thoughts with negative things.

we’ll just take this as another one of those lessons learned throughout the course of the marriage.

and me, well, i’ll just push it under my sleeves, again, without regrets.

and trust? well, that will have to be delayed. he has to prove to me once again that he can be trusted.

and money? he has to find the swifest way to return the favor. or else…

and love? i think that is absolute and definite. as if i have a choice… 

this withdrawal symptoms really sucks…

Bad Sister

i feel so guilty.  

i’ve been a BAD sister.

months ago, my eldest sister (we call her ‘Manang’) had been plagued with not just one misfortune. first, she was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. second, her company decided to cut costs and she was amongst those who were affected by the economic downturn. third, she was hospitalized last december due to mild stroke. and then last april, she was again hospitalized due to CVA infarct (also a form of stroke).

at present, she is jobless, taking medications and dependent on my parents’ support for survival. worse, she has a daughter (a single mom) who is still in primary school.

Nanay sought help from me when she was brought to the hospital to give financial assistance and assist her medical and personal needs. in situations such as these, i always feel obliged to help my siblings and other relatives. i believe that personal assistance matter more than financial help, and so i was always the one tapped to backstop sick people. 

and honestly, i sometimes get tired of backstopping, knowing my efforts are futile. i can only help them up to a certain point and they are responsible for the rest. most of what happened to them today were decisions that they had in the past, and life is bringing it back to them. i can only do so much.

in short, i did a lot of backlashing (coz, see i am fed up) and denied my sister some help. yes, your honor. i am guilty of the sin of OMMISSION. i think i violated a biblical rule for doing nothing when you ought to do something. 

to quote the bible, James 4:17 points out that:

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”

why do i feel guilty now?

i reviewed my sister’s emails when she was still working. she would send me inspirational and beautiful messages and wisdom about God and friendship, prayers for financial help, and a lot of nice stuff. she was reaching out to me by literally filling up my inbox with sweet words and messages. (and of course, i would seldom email back because our office are against forwarded emails.) i realized she does this almost every single day.

and then i recalled the many times she has helped me when i was still in school. she helped my parents in the finances when we were studying. she’d buy me school stuff at the start of the school year (remember Gregg shoes? she bought me one a long time ago…). she bought me clothes during my prom and graduation day. she was the one who brought me to my first movie where we watched the movie “Annie.” yes, i enjoyed the perks and privileges a youngest sibling could get from her eldest sister.

and i felt shame creep over me like wildfire.

how come i cannot help her now when she had been there for me all along? and how come i have been accommodating to my friends and not to my sister? and what right do i have to turn my face away when my sister needs me? how dare me???

imagine if God turns his face away from me the way i did to my sister…

“Whatever you did for the least of these, my Brethren, you did for Me.”

(Matthew 25:31-46)
 

whatever past she had, and whatever its effect on her life at the moment, i have no right to judge her. i have a choice to deny her but  in the end i know that it will deprive myself more than her. that’s how life really goes: you reap what you sow.

i’ve been a sinister sister.

but there is always room for change. 

i oughta plant more seeds of kindness…

Why Me? What did I do?

some people surprise me.

consider both scenes…

Scene 1: 

Audit Committee members were gathered at the Boardroom. i handed Mr. Ang (adviser) the materials for the meeting, afterwhich, he asked, ‘Are you alreM?’ of course, i said yes, but he looked at me rather differently as if he knows something good about me. he was in awe, as if saying, ’so you’re that girl!’ 

Scene 2: 

our newly appointed corporate secretary dropped by the office for the first time to have a briefing on the status of the company and the legal affairs that might be essential to his existence. as such, he was welcomed by Atty. Martin, our asst. Corsec and AVP. after the meeting and to my surprise, both Corsecs dropped by my area and Atty. Martin introduced me to the new corsec. i sensed a certain pride in Atty. Martin’s tone as he was introducing me, no extra words, not too sweet or catchy, but the entire conversation was in itself a total surprise. how many bosses would introduce their staff the same way he did?! of course, i was elated a little bit, but more than the surprise— hey, was i flabbergasted!

i started asking myself:

WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO??? 

of course i didn’t want to assume that they are talking (good) things about me. but sometimes, good notions cannot be suppressed. one need not be clairvoyant or a mind-reader to be able to guage one’s perception of you. just the way they look, the pride in their voice, the certain awed perpection, the silent respect. these are enough positive things to keep me going everyday.

still i cannot help but ask ‘Why me?’ and ‘What did i do?’ i get curious everytime.

Francis Kong, in his blog, posted ‘Do Not Ask “Why Me?”, and i qoute:

Have you ever caught yourself in a (difficult) situation and then the words come out of your mouth saying. “But God, why me?” My experience in most of these cases is that God never answers you the “why” question because even if He does you and I would either be so scared to death or we simply would not understand.

yep, perhaps i really will not understand.

besides, i must be doing something good that’s why i am silently appreciated.

that’s a really exhilirating thought…

Thoughts

pondering over these a few days ago…

your thoughts are very powerful. your thoughts affect your feelings and shape your future. one negative thought attracts all the negative energies in the universe. one positive thought cascade good things upon you like rain.

if you’re thinking of negative thoughts, try your best to turn it around the positive. look for the blessings in your life, look for the goodness in other people. think and feel the goodness one by one, proclaim gratitude and humble thanksgiving to the Great Provider.

search for the light in you, and keep that fire burning. teach yourself to manifest only good things ALWAYS.

 

Norman Vincent Peale said: ‘Change your thoughts and you change your world.’

 
 

 AMEN to that!

Needy

i have a confession to make: i’ve been needy lately.

it’s a certrain neediness that’s a little off the hook, it cracks every individual i get across with.

signs include: intolerance to certain situations, frustration, impatience, and at times, hostility. 

 
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Nightmares

the nightmares came back last weekend.

not the usual nightmare but the big ones i had in the past: the ultimate Freddie Krueger, came back once again to haunt me. the ones that would creep on me in the sleeping state, and even when awake. it crashed on me again last weekend.

and i had to retract.  as always, i did a major retraction and this time, my other blog, my pet project, and the one i had for the longest time had to be severed to its final extinction. hence, my blogger blog will no longer be available for viewing and reading. 

see, this is a MAJOR heartbreak for me. deciding to junk a blog into oblivion is like cutting away a precious part of myself. i wrote in the blog many times that blogging is an extension of myself and embosed in each webpages is a big chunk  of my spiritual self. it’s like writing with your own blood in a piece of paper, each webpages is uniquely written to express a deep rooted feeling in the hope of reaching out to many.

initially when i  got into blogging, the mission is just to express myself, as in a journal. however, as the turn of events in my not-so-popular-life became complicated, admittedly, i used it as a tool to reach out to people positively or otherwise. pubishing my thoughts on some issues has affected the lives of many individuals who were important to me: my friends, former officemates, and primarly, my husband, who have been reading it with as much passion as he can, hence, he had ‘learned’ badly from it.

so the nightmares came back this weekend because of this blog. and i had to sever it completely from my life to be able to move on and move upward. there is no need for excess baggage.

i am still heartbroken, yet i feel a new sense of liberty i had not felt in a long while. perhaps this is what letting go is all about…

as for the nightmares, i guess it will come back once in a while. but then, do we have to fear them? the real antidote for fear is LOVE. therefore, it is best to love under the worst circumstances. even with nightmares.

i would like to share with you the last post in my blog dated March 27, 2009:

 

i am bading goodbye to this blog.

THIS WILL BE MY LAST POST FOR [blog].

due to a number of reasons, this blog will cease to exist tomorrow at 12noon.

as of this writing, i am totally heartbroken and in pain. i love this blog so much and it has become so much a part of me. i will forever cherish everything that was written here and thankful to the people who become part of this.

this blog ends it journey. tomorrow, it is going into the void, the great blackhole of life. my children and my children’s children will no longer hear of it, will never read each webpages full of what’s inside me. will never learn from what i have learned. and will no longer undersand the depths of me.

yet, i am saying goodbye to cut myself completely from what i have been, as part of the sacrifices i offered to the Lord when i had to do a 180-degrees turn.

to the people i once hurt, I AM SO SORRY. and to those who may have been affected by what i have written, please remember that YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE (thanks to Bro. Bo for this). your past is dead, it has no life. it should be thrown into the wind along with your regrets. that means we have to move on without excess baggages to live life to the fullest.

 

to those who appreciated my writings, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. your comments and reactions were valuable and well-taken. and for those who have been following this blog for the longest time, it is with regret that i have to let go.

i once wrote here that goodbyes are not forever. unfortunately for this blog, it is…

goodbye to the sea. forever…

;’-(

 

On Socials and Secks

anent my previous post on socials, i attended the ‘Intermediary Ball,’ the annual awards night for our brokers and agents, last Friday at the Captain’s Bar of Mandarin Hotel.

 
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DREAM HYPE ‘09

i am yet again nurturing little seedlings of DREAMS.

and mind you, these are not the so-so DREAMS, but something rather outrageous and eccentric. AGAIN.

sometimes, i catch Myself saying to Me: ‘when will you ever stop?’ 

and Me would say: ‘try to stop me.’

it’s a dare, an overconfident statement. once again, i am taunting the gods for these seemingly impossible dreams to produce results. the inertia is dragging me so fast in a beat, and i couldn’t keep up with the adrenaline rush.

that’s what happens to Me when dreams get upstream.

2009 LIFE GOALS

• BUILD THAT HOUSE. i need at least P3M to build the ancestral house. years ago, the house had a nice blueprint, and sadly, the blueprint remained such to this day. what a waste of time! a lot could have happened for the better had we risked more for the house. i am initiating the cause and asking the full support of my siblings on this one, not only for us but more importantly for our parents’ sake.     

• GRADUATE STUDIES. i want go back to school. i wanna learn more things, and i need to move further up in my career. the problem and a really glaring truth about my current position is that the path tend to plateau at a certain level. but since i cannot (and will not) stop progressing, i have yet to learn management skills to thrive in this business. aside from that, being an entrepreneur requires more management know-hows. and so, i’m going back to school this year. (yipeee!!!)

• GO ON WITH THAT TRIP!  passport on the way… i’m just waiting for my first trip out of the country aboard that plane… ALL EXPENSES PAID. so what if there’s an economic crunch? i guess i deserved that trip, after all the efforts, hardships and sacrifices.

• DRIVE MY WAY OUT OF BLUES.  now that there’s a car, it’s about time i learn how to drive. my family loves travelling and we find roadtrips extra fun! but first, i gotta get a driver’s license.

• EXPAND MY PROJECTS & MY NETWORK. i have a lot of business(es) in mind, those that i know i’m good at. after all business without passion tend to get stuck in the middle. so i’d drift into something else that i know i will enjoy doing such that it won’t feel like ‘work’ at all. apart for the business prospects, a healthy list of clientele is essential. with the right tools and a good talent, everything will work out well.

let me also share you one of the secret i learned from my mentor: you have to invest at least 1 hour a day for your dreams. that means, 364 hours a year may have been enough time for something to happen. getting that dream requires a big chunk of investment in TIME. 

what i have written in each of these webpages will remind me of things to hope for, and things to accomplish in 2009. it doesn’t matter how fast (or slow) things will turn out, what matters is that i have laid down the first step— the blueprints— of these dreams.

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.”

~ Danny Kaye 

Plans for 2009

when the new year dust and raucous had settled, i had the privilege for a fine time alone with myself. i grabbed a new journal, ans started writing. my handwriting furiously exploring each pages, the edged ballpoint burning away the lines.

POST-PARTUM BLUES - the 2008 actual experience

2008 had been a blessing year for me.

there was a general notable improvement in many aspects of my personal and professional life. not only that, there was a MAJOR LEAP on some decisions which made a mark this year. several milestones were achieved as well as big pay-offs, and some ‘dreams’ were realized. it was indeed a great year for me!

while my career and financials have been fruitful, i noticed that a big chunk of my id (read: subliminal perception) is aching for the deep-rooted aspect of my being.

i found Myself telling Me this: ‘you seem to have achieved more this year… so what???’ 

and Myself replied: “every achievement is superficial without a purpose.”

i guess both of them make sense… 

TELL ME ABOUT 2009…

inspite of the birth pains, i managed to writhe into the depths of my being, and identified 5 specific NEEDS for 2009. 

[note that they are not called a ‘goal’, ‘plan’, ‘resolution’ or ‘timetable’. they are a list of the things i NEED to do in order the address the dying id.]

1. WRITE PEOPLE LETTERS — an offshoot of ‘08 post-partum blues. i wanted badly to write the most important people (i.e. family members, siblings, mom, dad, hubb, kids, etc.) in my life  last christmas, enclosed with a gift of course. but due to the rush and hush of the yuletide season, i wasn’t able to meet the goal. i could have done it if i had not been confined to the superficial.
• Action Plan: Send a birthday card as a present, including a really personal letter.
2. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I HAVE TAMED. — remember the Little Prince book? i am forever responsible for the people i have tamed: MY FRIENDS. it matters not whether they are from the present or the past as long as they are my friends. on a deeper thought, i realized that my SNChoir friends need the most guidance and mentoring at this point in time. each of our lives were beset with problems and trials, and most if not all are actually in crisis. we need a support system now more than ever, and i feel that i have been urged by God to initiate it.
• Action Plans: (1) Gather the SNChoir regularly for updates and a conversation. probably also initiate a ‘bible reading’ or a ‘purpose driven life’ session. (2) establish a ‘prayer warrior’ relationship.
3. ‘SING ME A SONG AGAIN, CHILD.’  —  it was Itay’s voice calling me from a distance, asking me to sing for Him one more time. and teach people His songs. now this is a really tall order considering my topsy-turvy schedule! apart from the gift of writing, the gift of song and singing is inevitable. the gift of a voice is one thing i couldn’t get away with. they say that a true measure of success is to be able to pass on the gift to others and maximized to its potential. 
• Prayer: ‘i don’t know how but just lead me, Lord. and i will follow…’
4. I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR GIFTS. —  i promised Itay this year that whatever gifts He entrusted me in 2008 will be taken cared of well. that includes my relationship with my family, friends, colleagues, staff; my talents and giftedness; material possessions He blessed me with in ‘08; my work and all other responsibilities; as well as the gift of wisdom, mentoring, friendship and love.
• Prayer: ‘Lord, all my so-called possessions are not mine for the keeping. instead, you entrusted me these gifts to nurture and guide up to its maturity. continue guiding me and all my endeavors, and keep me and these gifts safe in Your perfect arms…’
5. CONTINUE GROWING AND BEARING FRUIT. —  this is the ultimate GOAL for 2009 and sums up the first 4 points in the list. 

there you go!

one down…

will try to finish up the Year in Review…

thanks for reading. your comments are most welcome!

Random Thoughts

here’s a list of what keeps me preoccupied lately…

in no particular order: 

1. meetings
2. minutes of meeting
3. christmas
4. christmas gifts
5. christmas gift list
6. christmas parties (more…)
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