i stare at it as if alive.

i sometimes feel it's breathing on me...

and breaking me everyday.

sometimes i wish i could just honk on you.

and feel my presence once more.

and feel your presence once more. 

like we were before.

like the way we did.

like how we did it.

i wonder how it all went wrong?

and where i went wrong?

and what started it all.

and why you just felt cold.

i am feeling cold, alright.

sometimes missing you.

sometimes dreaming of you.

sometimes hating you.

sometimes loving you.

all those strong emotions carry me through.

and sometimes i feel dumb.

and numb. and scared.

and sorry. and sad.

and mad. and crazy.

i just miss you so.

'you are wound beneath an old bandage.'

i heard Mitch Albom say over and over.

and it still hurts because the wound wouldn't heal.

couldn't heal.

because underneatha slab is still stuck inside me.

inside me.

so who's forgiven?

who should be forgiven?

i do not remember if i asked to be forgiven.

or forgiveness in any sense.

perhaps i am proud. too proud.

but you were proud, too.

and that made all the difference.

you just shut me out.

and out of pride we had a fall out.

i wanted to reach out my hand in peace.

and build that bridge.

but i don't have the strength. not yet.

in fact, i feel so weak and helpless.

holding out my hand weakens my soul.

but not holding it at all weakens both my heart and soul.

i am battling with time.

who can promise me the morrow?

i might not have time to apologize.

not have time for reprieve.

i need more prayers and strength of God.

to be able to achieve this.

the question of forgiveness...

the prayer for reprieve...

my heart is aching to reach out.

and my soul is arid for absolution.

i will seek my counsel and ask for help.

but i will keep on watching you.

laid back...

wishing i still have you.

my wound beneath an old bandage...

it still hurts.

it has been a month since we recouped the rest of the choir to get back into action once more. it took us a while to get geared up and going, but  once we're off, there was no going back!

though it feels a little odd now... all of us have sort of 'grown older,' have families and kids (some have apo's, mind you!), and jobs that take most of our time. and there were of course members of the generation which gives some sort of balance--- the 'oldies' merged with the 'newbies'. haha! i know it sounds odd, but that's a fact of life. getting old is a fact of life. and allowing newbies in your life is also a fact of life. 

finally, years after years of searching for the one thing that suffices the soul, i returned to the place where i came from. it took me a lot senseless wandering before i finally realized what i really want to do: SERVE THE LORD THROUGH SINGING.

i am happy to be able to sing once again, and happier that i was able to sing back for the glory of God.

it feels good to be back home...

and back to me once more...

;-)

as i plunged back into the corporate world after 2 months of blissful maternity leave, i was sucked once again into the rat race void. not that i didn't like it. on one end, it felt completely good being 'needed' in a different kind of world, another dimension.

being a mom (and wife) is different from being an employee, but the satisfaction was more or less the same. only that, being a mom is imposed, while being an employee is a choice.both gives me entire satisfaction in a different kind of way but both are joyful. at the end of the day, it's what i accomplished with excellence that mattered. quality over quantity.

i am also learning from My Rich Dad. i've subscribed to the Rich Dad newsletter to learn more about financial matters. i'm trying very hard to follow the coachings of Rich Dad. little by little, day by day, my goal to improve my financial intelligence is growing. i am so much of a neophyte just yet, but i am very much willing to learn and to improve my life and my finances.

we also had the Christening of our sweet Baby Boo, Noe Kahlil. it was a much celebrated event with the whole family. and more than the celebration, it was a day of thanksgiving. God has gifted us with a most precious little Boo we love so much. though not everyone attended (most ninangs were absent), but it was an event that is cherished forever.

(picture to be posted later)

what is summer without swimming? the day after the christening, the family had fun dipping at the nearby pool. it was super dooper fun! perfectly cool activity for the whole bunch. 

(pictures to follow)

though there were fun moments, there were also unavoidable gloomy instances that was part and parcel of the circle of life. Tatay was brought to the hospital due to pneumonia. and then, there were misunderstandings in the family because of my nephew who pricked some family relationships really bad.

i believe that as summer is hot, so are these kinds of diverse emotions and i acknowledge them fairly. there were times of celebration as there were times of dejection. but even that was unavoidable and part of life. there is a bigger picture, much, much bigger than ourselves. 

bottomline, summer is supposed to be lived with zest, for who knows if we will still be able to go through another summer in our lives...?

so, hooray for summer!

and CARPE DIEM!

;-) 

i'm back for many reasons:

... back to being a new mom

... back from the post-partum blues

... back from (near) death

... back to blogging 

... back to work

thank god for the 2-month hiatus! it's really a breather from my mediocre life...

thank god for my resurrection... i value my second life more each day...

thank god for the new life that came from me! it makes life more worthwhile to live! 

and also, i have another secret to share:

I'M IN LOVE!!! 

with who else but this guy:

finally, my little Noe Kahlil

my BABY BOO...

having him makes all the pain worthwhile...

happy and blessed to be alive! ;-) 

[on a side note: just revised my blog's current look to match my current emotional state.]

Last Feb. 14, Valentine’s day, was unlike other v-day i had in my entire life.

The whole day was nothing but usual, as i was hooked at the laptop while doing Troe and Chloe’s projects which was due for passing the next day. I was also busy uploading pictures from my phone to the laptop, which annoyed me a little bit because of some glitches. It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday, 8 days after i gave birth to my 4th child.

At around 5pm, i went down the house to eat merienda (milo + pandesal). I was preparing for my afternoon sponge bath, which is usually around that time. I didn’t finish up my milo and proceeded with my shower. Everything was almost normal, except that when i tried to poop, there was a notable rush of blood. i didn’t feel any pain, except the usual feeling of having a very loose bowel, thereafter, spurts of blood would come out.

After the bath, i went upstairs to freshen up and to breastfeed my baby. But i was so surprised to feel another crunch in my tummy and there, another spurt of blood came out, this time, it fell on the floor. My children noticed the blood, said, ‘Mommy, me dugo...’ and i casually told them to get out of the room and go down. I know my boys were as shocked as i was but i tried to keep calm and initially just observed more of myself and current condition. I contacted my OB-Gyne, who was unable to attend to my call as she is hearing mass at that time. My eldest daughter, Chloe, stayed with me and when hubby learned of my condition, tried texting and calling my doctor.

I tried to stand up, but almost fainted. Everything suddenly spun around, my view went suddenly bleak, as if everything is in negative film. Luigi, my hubby, kept on telling me to hold on and breathe deeply and try hard not to faint. I tried my best not to lose consciousness. Even if i feel suddenly weak and powerless, i tried to focus on the necessities. I give simple instructions to hubb and Chloe on what to bring to the hospital. My doctor called back afterwards, and advised us to leave soonest for St. Clare for futher evaluation. Hubb and Chloe (my eldest daughter) swiftly dressed me up and packed all my stuff, with our little baby, and off we went.

We arrived a few minutes later at St. Clare, and i had stabilized already. There was minimal blood coming out from me then. My OB-gyne checked me to verify where the blood was coming from. Thereafter, she gave me a recommendation letter to Makati Medical Center for further observation and immediate attention. Upon further query, i told her that the fresh blood that came out of me would amount to 1 water dipper (tabo), which is not an exaggeration. And yes, it scares the hell out of me as well.

At Makati Med, i was given all the support and immediate attention. 2 IV’s were inserted on both arms since my BP already dropped to 80/50. Luigi said i was pale and ashen, and my feet seemed to have no blood at all. After i had stabilized, they run me a couple of tests and some more observations with the OB-gyne of MMC to verify the cause. But the immediate attention of blood transfusion was done to cure my hemoglobin deficiency, 3 bags of blood were transfused for my RBC to level up to normal. I was also subjected to CT scan of the whole abdomen to determine the potential source of bleeding from any of my internal organs. The result of the CT scan did not show any connection with my OB case, nor did they find out if it is GI bleeding. But i would still be subject to endoscopy weeks after to verify the real cause of the obscure bleeding. Till then, the final diagnosis will have to be shelved.


At the ER, while everything was passing by me and time is at a standstill, i valued these simple realizations about life and death and more...

-  That the line between life and death is so thin.
-  That i am not indispensible, like i thought.
-  That i need to breathe and live not for myself but for my kids.
-  That i need to get well and live well because of my kids.
-  That my kids need me and will need me at this time, hence, i cannot die. Not yet.
-  That life is so short and that it can be taken away from you anytime God wishes to.
-  That at the end of life, relationship is the most important part of life.
-  That your relationship with God is not a passport for you to get well.
-  That true friends may not be physically present but will still be active in some other way during rough times. You just tell them and they come running... that they can be prayer warriors as well.
-  That God’s conditions is at times confusing and painful, but you still have to trust Him no matter what.
-  That i cannot be too superwoman for everybody. And that i also have the right to bleed.


During those trial moments, i missed my kids so much and wished, even at that absurd moment, that they are present on my bedside. I missed even their bickerings and senseless petty fights. I just miss them so much that i keep on praying to God to make me well so i can be with them the soonest possible. Otherwise, i’ll die.

I realized how close i have been to death at that time. And no matter how ready i think i am facing death, fact is, I AM NOT. Death scares the hell of me and i cannot be too sure or to confident about life and its extension.

That probably was the worst feeling i had in this lifetime. It is true that at the verge of death, your whole life would just flash before your eyes, like a lengthy telenovela. And while watching your life pass by, you will realize that the things you thought you never regret were regretful, and the hurt you caused on other people were the worst episodes in your own movie.

What’s worse in that scenario is the feeling of helplessness, as if God has turned His back on me. I know that He didn’t (and never will), but at that time, i just felt that His hands were nowhere to be found and i was lying on my bed all alone, quivering at the thought of death. I dunno if it’s Him, but i guess it was more of me no longer feeling His closeness at heart. That thought actually made me so sad today. And that thought should seed my heart with the desire to be close to him once again.

It took me weeks to write this yet I still feel emotional everytime i remember my bittersweet valentine’s day at the ER. I am happy to be alive at this very moment and i’m grateful to God for another extension. Whatever lessons and realizations i had were treasured. This will be my handbook for the days to come.

To my friends who prayed, supported and stayed with me through the storm, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Special thanks to Fr. Ronnie Urbano (SDB) and Jay Suarez, who helped me find blood donors. Thanks to Ate Maris Rabago, who is my textmate and prayer warrior while i’m at the ER. Also thanks to Gen and Gene, who visited and stayed with me at the hospital. I hope to return the favor someday, guys...and if need be, i’m also willing to be a blood donor.

And of course praise God for the endless love and support that my family has showered me during those rough times. To my kids, who is the very reason for my holding on... and to Luigi, my hubby, partner and friend, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING THERE.

i just feel warm and fuzzy all over....

i texted friends (a.k.a. 'prayer-warriors') to pray for me and my baby boy's upcoming delivery. and i was not disappointed. most of them shared their joy and excitement for the 4th-time mom (that's ME!). i feel so overwhelmed by the thought that I AM NOT ALONE in this journey towards motherhood x4! it's a sweet thought realizing that even time, distance and circumstances won't keep us apart.

God has been generous enough to give me my family of choice: MY FRIENDS.

on another thought:

i feel so blessed for having my KIDS! my Ate and Kuya's are all very supportive of mommy's pregnancy. i feel that they take care of me more than they ever did... and for that i feel most BLESSED!

Ate Chloe, most of all, has been my  sidekick. she is my 'Robin' in Batman and Robin, my 'Ding' in Darna, my 'Chitae' in Starzan (i don't think she will agree, hehe...). she's ALWAYS there for me, at my beck and call, and according to my whim and wishes. the best part of being a mom to a girl is that you always have someone to share your thoughts without doubt or second thoughts. you know that when you talk to HER as honestly and candidly as you can, SHE WILL ALWAYS UNDERSTAND what's going on in that heart of yours. at least, that what i think about My Baby Girl... i still call her Baby Girl coz i know that she will always be my one and only baby girl in this planet.

my two boys are my  back-up support nowadays. Kuya Zoe is the more gentleman among the two as he really would take pleasure in carrying heavy bags and load. he really takes effort in opening doors and assisting me on the way down the car or bus, like a true blue gentleman. Troe on the other hand is the errand boy you can trust. but being the youngest, he still loves cuddling and hugging, and would sometimes sleep beside me at night. 

and Daddy never fail to kiss my overbulged tummy each night before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning. i can feel his excitement grow everyday and as time goes by makes me feel loved and awed. i love him more today than i did yesterday...

my Nanay, other siblings and pamangkins are also very supportive. i get chat and text messages of love and support everyday. my nuclear family never failed to amaze me with their undying support.

as for my office friends and colleagues, they too made me realize the value of camaraderie and trust. and that in any organization, your job goes beyond what is essential. if they feel that you can be depended on for little things, they will extend the same to you at no extra cost. my work has been a blessing for so many reasons, and the most important of which is for the health of my family. being in this organization made me realize how secure my health and most of all, my family's health is, because that's what we provide to many...

there are still a mountainload of things to be thankful for that only the Father knows. and i give Him all the blessings and honor!

visited my OB today.  

tomorrow, i'm 37 weeks pregnant. 

baby is  already full term and i could give birth very soon.

things to watch out for:

1. labor pains

2. bloody show

3. watery discharge

my OB-Gyne already gave me an endorsement letter to the hospital in the event that i experience any of the 3 in the list.

honestly, i'm scared.

it didn't help that i had 3 previous childbirth already since all circumstances related to labor are very, very unique. even the so-called EDC (expected date of childbirth) is not an exact calculation (except of course, during C-section, wherein there is a scheduled childbirth). ONLY GOD KNOWS WHEN MY BABY WILL ARRIVE.

at this point in time, i already feel some slight, chronic, subdued but tolerable pain around the lumbar area a few times each day. it is an intermittent and latent tell-tale sign of minor labor. i know that, like me, baby is preparing himself for the big day. yet inspite of all these, i know that no amount of preparation can really guage the outcome or the actual event.

remember the Agony of Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane? i find this first sorrowful mystery apt to my present situation. like Jesus, i am anticipating the pain and the arduous labor. imagining that kind of pain and the entire scenario makes me gritt my teeth and sends shivers to my spine (Jesus had worse experience because he sweated with blood while praying...). i know the pain will climax in a way that will be unique and unforgettable until my last breath.

that's why i already sought my counsel of friends to PRAY FOR ME, for my labor and for my baby. PRAY that i'll be able to pull this off with grace and ease, inspite of the pain and hardship along the way. 

at present, my current inspiration and solace is the Passion of Jesus Christ which we share each year during Lent. i realized that no matter how painful ANYTHING can happen to me and to my life, it will NEVER be as painful as what Christ had experienced on the way to the cross. and whatever pain and hardship i will experience and encounter in this road to labor and childbirth, i will offer it completely to Jesus Christ.

Paul Tornier gladly calmed me with this thought:

Everything that is worthwhile in life is scary. Choosing a school, choosing a career, getting married, having kids–all those things are scary. If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile.  

my friends, i also urge you to PRAY FOR ME, my baby and my safe delivery.

please read this prayer in the silence of your heart:

thank you for your kindness... hope to return the favor someday.

;-) 

thank you for bearing with me in 2009... and i am glad to  be part of your young 2010! 

thanks to the nameless souls who've read my 2009 writings. thanks for your appreciation... and for coming back to re-read and update.

2009 has been both a trial and a blessing year for me and my family. there were lean months and rough ones, but most of them offered learnings, as each of us has a unique cross to carry around during the year. i could say life (and love) is a bed of roses, but each season offered a unique rose with or without thorns, that you lay upon depending on your current situation. 

i'm glad to be able to write again. i wanted to write sensibly during the holidays but i guess the christmas spirit in '09 isn't as jovial as in the past years. the thought of christmas did not inspire me to write at all. i dunno if i was just too tired to be 7 months pregnant and working so hard or that the spirit isn't as cheerful as it was. or maybe there is also such as thing as an emotional crunch.

anyhow, i attended a few chrismas parties... and the highlight of the holidays was the wedding of my 'inaanak sa kasal' Aya and Brian last December 18. our company christmas party also fell on that day but i was too tired to go to the event as i fell asleep when i got home to change attire for the party. oh well, major exhaustion took its toll on me that day.

christmas  was spent with my nuclear family with exhange gifts and the regular videoke happening. but i had the worst allergy attack on dec. 25 so i stayed home all day to sleep, groggy with antihistamine fighting off my pregnancy urticaria. timing naman, daddy had a trip to pangasinan on christmas dawn until the next day. so our family just had bonding moments at Timezone MOA when he arrived home from the trip the next day.

at dawn on new year's day, Duds' fingers got burnt by 'Darna's' spark (note: Darna is our childhood term for the spark caused by lighting the firecracker powder. kids love to gather firecracker powder after the new year's eve celebration which can be very dangerous and can cause burns.) his thumb had 2nd degree burns while his 3 other fingers had minor ones. we took him to MMC for wound sterilization and anti-tetanus shot.  

but all in all, my new year was a lot better as i had controlled allergies though it appeared sporadically during the supposedly 'restful' holidays. also, taking antihistamine medications solved my exhaustion as i had longer and better sleep patterns and therefore a refreshed outlook in the young 2010.

i still have a few assignments in tow for MYSELF which i will be posting eventually in this blog.

there's 'The Year in Review 2009' which is my yearly reflection and recollection of the events that was, and a chance to understand the lessons taught in the past year.

also in line is 'Moving Forward in 2010' which houses my goals and ideals for the year, my future plans, my dreams and wants, as well as my long-term and short term projections.

there's still a lot to write about life and i hope that i'll be able to post more this year than i did last year. i'm happy to be able to reach out to people and i hope you'll still join me in my journey towards self-realization and growth.

there is so much to hope for, so much zest that i hope to be be able to squeeze out of life. and then there's my Life-Purpose to think about, the ultimate reason for my existence.

oh well... 

goodbye to the crunch-filled 2009...

and cheers to a hopeful 2010! 

Daddy and kids were there, like a bunch of kids in a school bus --- noisy, agitated, excited. but alas, Baby was NOT in the mood for some photo ops, even with the whole bunch's presence. he was in prone (backside) position. the doctors advised me to take a few minutes walk and return after the baby has moved. we went back to ultrasound queue to have another photo taken but to no avail.

everyone went home disappointed.

finally, yesterday, Daddy and i went back to The Medical City to try the 4D ultrasound again. and yes, we were successful after 2 attempts. the first attempt, Baby was covering his face with both hands and feet (imagine that!). we were able to finally determine the gender of our little one --- HE IS A BOY! but then, since he is still not in the mood for picture-taking, i had to take another walk somewhere and really TALKED to Baby to be cooperative.

i told Baby that it didn't matter to me that he was a boy, we accept him and love him all the same. we initially wished for a girl, but God gave us a boy and it wouldn't matter to the world as long as he's healthy and strong and happy. finally, Baby loosened up a little bit, and there, the pictures were taken.

the sonologist/OB-gyne was very excited to see his face, finally, after 3 attempts and said she couldn't move out of excitement. she kept on taking pictures of Baby's face and commented on his prominent nose and lips and cheeks. it was an absolute joy to hear her say, 'Mommy, you have such a beautiful child!' (her exact words:' Mommy, ang ganda ng baby mo!'). i didn't think she was humoring us or just making-bola, i know i do have a beautiful baby growing inside! 

as promised, here is my baby's first photo in utero... 

Baby Noe's first photo!

Baby Noe looks a lot like Ate Chloe, Kuya Duds and Kuya Troe. again, my recessive genes gave in to Daddy's dominant traits for a better result! ;-)

ahhh..  the joy of motherhood!

it is my 4th this time, yet it feels new and odd everytime.

a month ago, my ob-gyne was quite amazed (read: disappointed) at how i have NOT gained weight at all. for 2 months, my weight remained the same. thankfully, i did not feel the noxious nauseous feeling brought about by eclectic hormonal changes. my cravings were minimal if at all present, and i was not the usual whiny preggy mom. my body's only obvious reaction is how it responds to exhaustion, i feel quite tired these days.

in my visit to the OB 2 months back, she ordered me to take a coupla multivitamins, including amino acids, due to my minimal weight-gain. one morning i woke up with a really bulging tummy, my baby seemed to have grown overnight! it was altogether a surprise and an astonishing event for a 4th time mom like me. not that it hasn't happened before, but to feel the baby inside you to have grown bigger overnight was one for the books!   

now, 28 weeks and running, i feel a lot more confident and at ease with my pregnancy. i rarely feel the desolation and oddity of pregnancy. hubb and kids were very supportive and i feel their excitement grow everyday. my grown up kids each have a specific gender-want for the baby, which to me is amusing and altogether funny. of course, my boys want the baby to be a boy, while Ate Chloe wants to have a sister. me, as mommy, wanted to have another baby girl (if God so allow) as girls are more tamed and easier to get along with, and i surmise, even had higher EQ intelligence. i think i've had enough boys' experiences having 2 sons in a row. 

the only funny part of the pregnancy was external: the office atmosphere. i didn't really divulged to everyone (except those who were really close to me) about my condition. on my bosses' side, it's funny how they see me everyday and not even notice the changes on my bulging tummy. it was only last week when we had business planning that they noticed how 'busog' i look like. most of my officemates were surprised at the bulging tummy, since my face have not undergone any unusual change at all. i think i still look pretty flaired and uncomplicated inspite of the stress and workload. ;-)

during the last month, i already dreamt about my baby twice. the first time, the baby was wrapped in a swaddling cloth (pranela) sleeping peacefully, the gender still unclear. the second dream was just last weekend, the picture was closer and the gender already identified: it's a boy! i had mixed emotions (coz i really want to have a baby girl again) but then God has better plans and who am i to intercede? what's important is that my baby is strong and healthy and intelligent and the family's constant joy. nothing else will matter. 

we are considering the name 'NOE' as the baby's first name, after Ate Chloe, Zoe and Troe (sounds alike, eh?). The second name is still being debated in the higher courts. Daddy is suggesting Kahlil  which sounds like Clark Kent's kryptonian name, Kal-el. note that Kahlil Gibran is also my favorite poet and forerunner so i think that Kahlil  is a really good second name. i just have apprehensions on the masculinity of the name combined. 

i'll have my 4D ultrasound scheduled soon. will just update you guys and hopefully post pictures of my newborn baby in 4D. i'm excited and happy of the support i get from everyone around me. 

BLESSED AND THANKFUL. Ü